The Red Sun
by The Truly Exalted One
Summary: We've all read Twilight. But has anyone ever thought about what Twilight could be without Bella? Or rather if Bella had a personality? In The Red Sun, Bella, renamed Haseya, is not only sassy and cute, but also half Navajo. Twilight is a romantic book and most of the story focuses on that, in The Red Sun, Haseya brings the Navajo past and the questions all people face to mind.
1. Chapter 1

**Chapter 1. Tomahawks And Other Thoughts**

I drove myself to the airport with the windows up and the heater on. Hell, excuse me, I meant Arizona, had dropped to a glacial 75 degrees and I was responding with my only available power. Air Conditioning. I had a jacket on the seat next to me shoved into my carry on backpack but I didn't want to wear it until I had to. It would have clashed horribly with my cute summery top anyways. It was a white ¾ sleeve t-shirt that had a super cute, glittery watermelon on it next to a glass of lemonade with the caption under it reading "Chill. It's summer."

#Fabulous.

Anyways my mother would have been here to drive me to the airport but we can never agree on what music to play, or whether the windows should be up or down, or how far I was over the speed limit, or if my hair was okay, and also if I should be driving or if she should be driving. I am seventeen years old. I am the most responsible seventeen year old I have ever met and if I had the means I would have gifted myself an Audi Cooper a long time ago for good behavior. The plan was that while my mom went on a lunch date with the ex NFL football player which afterwards they were going to come get the car. That way I would have some chill time without my mom before I got on my flight and played Native American relaxation music while I tried to fall asleep on the plane.

Another thing my mom and I can't agree on, which I thought about as I saw a Camaro roaring down the freeway just past me, is if she should marry a 6 foot tall black guy with tattoos all the way up and down his arms, whose name was Jerome but he went by JJ. He owned two Camaros and they purred like panthers, just like the car that passed me. My fingers beat a taboo on the steering wheel as I signaled to switch lanes, looking back. I mean, we both know he's a good guy but she's worried it would be awkward for me. How can it be? I'm half Navajo because of her. I have lighter skin than most but I like it, it's kind of a tan brown and it's actually super pretty. Because of some strange genetic disconnect my hair is also a dark black with red undertones that bleaches red brown in the summer from tennis- it's also curly. I have gorgeous brown eyes, and I look very Navajo. I rarely pass for Hispanic and that is fine by me.

Being half white is my worst curse. I've never been hated on for being half Navajo, but at my old high school it was for being half white. I'm _glad_ she's dating a huge black guy, so when people come up to me and say "Who's your daddy?" I can show them a picture of JJ and say "Do I need to make a call or are you gonna be nice? That's what I thought."

No really, I'm a very happy person. Considering I come from a broken home and have serious issues with accepting my white half I'm doing great. My mom left the reservation and a very poor family by getting some scholarship for being Navajo and working her butt off to get into a college somewhere in Washington. Then somehow she met Charlie, a white man aiming to be a police officer. They fell in love. They got married when she was very young and both had just barely graduated. Charlie got a job in Forks, Washington, and they moved there.

Then sometime after I was born, something went drastically wrong.

I guess my mom, who has always lived in Arizona heat and was born with what my grandmother calls "the spirit of a Navajo" makes her nomadic by birth, she can't just stay in one building, in one place, and live there too long. She hates the caged feeling it gives her not being able to get out and travel. To her, being free means you can drop everything and move again. So therefore I've lived on the rez and off the rez until she finally made a deal to settle off the rez for four years so I could go to a better high school away from some of the crazy in rez high schools. That went well. I got good grades, ran track, played tennis, and was happy with my life. And actually mom has been stable. She seems to have finally found her place and she likes JJ, having her own house, and having a stable job and a stable daughter.

But lately my mom and I have been talking about college and that's what led to my leaving for Charlie's for my junior year. We needed time away from each other. Probably because even though my mom and I are opposite personalities I share the same tendency towards wandering. I can't stay inside my house. I can sleep there. I can do my homework. And then I have to get out. It has become absolutely intolerable for me to stay in the house alone with my mother because we start to fight. Never before has it been this bad but finally I called up my father who I hadn't seen since I was fourteen and said I was coming to live with him junior year. That was a rather spectacular fight and a rather dramatic end to the battle.

I arrived at the airport early and had all my baggage ready to go, aka one backpack, and one suitcase. I skimp on everything but makeup and sports equipment. Unfortunately I had no idea what kind of sports equipment would even work for me in Washington. Were there even tennis courts up there? I'd heard it was a small town but I hadn't felt comfortable calling Charlie to arrange what I would bring, a separation of three years will do that to you, so mom was to send me my sports stuff as situation required. Running I would still have. I was not giving that up.

My best hope was that there would be trails to run in Forks. Also it wouldn't be so hot that I'd have to carry a gallon of water in a camelback so I wouldn't get heatstroke out there. So there were some pros.

My phone rang as the plane was about to take off. Mom was freaking out about my leaving some item or other. I told her it was fine, not to panic, and told her to tell JJ I said hi. Then I hung up as she was saying something else about did I leave the stove on.

The answer was no. When I fry up some Mexican food right before heading to a place where I was sure they wouldn't have it, I do not burn the house down on my way out. I may have considered it, but I didn't. Yes. I did consider it. And yes I also turned the burner off. Airplane mode on the phone to protect the innocent.

The four hour flight to Seattle and then another layover flight to Port Angeles, and then came my driving to Charlie's house with him. He met me outside the airport. I ignored his outstretched arms and said

"Hey dad."

He understood the no physical contact rule and was reminded of it by the look on my face, so he immediately dropped his arms. It was the side effect of some summer or other when I was younger where he wanted to give me a hug and I said no. I said no because earlier that school year some guy had come up behind me and basically attacked me, despite my nearly taking his face off with a right hook as well as some other things, I was still not a very touchy person. There is nothing like having someone try and violate you that will teach you exactly what a physical gesture truly means to another person. So I didn't like to be touched. Still working on that.

"How have you been, Bella?"

He called me Bella because that's my American name which is like my middle name. My grandmother either calls me granddaughter or child but I preferred Haseya. On the rez people called me daughter or sister most of the time.

It wasn't like they didn't know my name, I guess most of the old folk had a lot of things about the English language they wanted to forget. I speak Navajo but only because of my grandmother. She insisted on it. My mother was hardly supportive because she grew up in one of those schools where they were punished for speaking the Navajo tongue and she has always been one to turn her back on the ways of the ancestors. She wouldn't allow me to have my womanhood ceremony and she avoided most cultural events. She was so on and off about it. Sometimes she'd be like "Embrace your heritage" and other times it was "We need to get off this rez. I can't live like this anymore." Not conflicted at all.

"Dad," I said "Can you please use my Navajo name? I haven't been Bella in years."

He shrugged "OK, whatever you want."

We got my bags into his police cruiser with no problem. I checked my phone to see what my friends were all up to. I was scheduled to skype with them and some government offshoot had bought me a nice laptop for school this year, so I could have ignored Charlie for an hour or so.

"So why the change?" Charlie asked "I thought you liked the name Bella?"

I liked the name Bella until I got caught behind the school by a bunch of Hispanics who razzed me about it. I don't know why they even cared because it was none of their business, but they were happy to do stupid impressions of white people speaking Spanish and getting spray tans, as well as some other less savory things. After that day I wasn't Bella anymore. I was Haseya.

"Not really." I said "My grandmother told me a name was an important part of reconnecting with my heritage."

Yeah. That heritage. Whatever that means, I'm connecting with it.

"Well. I was going to wait until we got back to the house." Charlie said "But I, uh, I bought you a car."

"A car?" I asked, tilting my head.

"Yeah, you remember the Blacks?"

"Blacks?" I asked, trying to work out who he was referring to.

"Billy Black and his two daughters, Rachel and Rebecca? And then his son Jacob?"

"Oh, them!" I said happily.

I remembered them all right. We used to go play all the time. Actually, correction, Jacob and I used to go play all the time in the woods. The girls usually wanted to play dolls. I usually wanted to go looking for wolves and bears.

Yep. I was the dang cutest child. Still am.

"So what do they have to do with a new car?" I asked

"I bought it off Billy, it's a pretty old car but it runs great." Charlie.

"Thanks, dad." I said.

I would have asked more but I was tired.

I was placating him by calling him dad. In my head he was Charlie due to lack of filial feelings but he preferred to be called dad for some reason. I often placate people, I'm extremely good at it. Charming, funny, charismatic. I have everything a girl could ask for except for the Bahamas and a boyfriend. I also occasionally get zits but that's life.

"You're welcome." He said.

And then he was quiet for the rest of the ride. When we got to my secondary house (or as I preferred to call it, the creepy doll house with yellow cabinets) he left me alone to unpack. He wore his boots all over the wood floor which made me cringe. As soon as I was home and he wasn't, I was cleaning that floor

Don't get me wrong. I adore mud. I love to play in mud, but I was raised not to wear shoes into the house. I left mine by the door in the mud closet. I also removed my socks because I wasn't planning on going anywhere. I walked those over to the laundry room to put in the hamper.

It was so nice to unpack my things without my mom breathing down my neck. Kind of eerie though. I unpacked my toiletries first because why not, my clothes could wait.

My makeup was all beautifully arrayed in plastic containers, sanitized and ready to go, and even though I knew it rained all the time I had packed it so I could wear it to school. That was because school was inside a building and I had my biohazard/rain gear so it wasn't likely to drip into zombie face with that kind of protection.

I was upset about the fact that I wouldn't get to use my flip flops around here very often. What is the point of having a beach if it's full of rocks and at glacial temperatures? I could lodge some very pointed complaints at the man upstairs if he wasn't capable of shooting down lightning bolts at THOSE WHO COMPLAIN.

Ahem. Rain was pouring everywhere, dashing against the windows, and I swallowed back tears. I missed my friends a ton all of the sudden and waiting until Friday to skype suddenly seemed like forever. Plus I'm a seventeen year old girl and we tend to be overdramatic. Charlie yelled my name, breaking my mournful mood.

"Bella!" He yelled "I mean, Haseya!"

"Yeah, dad?" I yelled back

"Billy Black says he wants to bring over some dinner for us, is that okay? They're also going to stay for dinner."

Dinner is always okay. In fact, dinner is better than okay. Dinner is my life.

"Yeah dad!" I said

He concluded his conversation with Billy and called up the stairs "He'll be here in about fifteen minutes or so. He's bringing his son, Jacob, with him."

Jacob? My old chum? Yes! I did a fist pump and went into my bathroom to check my makeup. For flights I like to do face masks, mainly to creep people out, but this time I hadn't and my makeup was made to last. Perfect complexion? Yes. Thank you BB cream. Long eyelashes. Thank you mascara. And a flushed bronze glow to my face thanks to an Estee Lauder blush.

Everything was perfect except my lips. I opened the plastic container containing my lipsticks and applied a melon shade that was a happy, bright shade. I looked like I just stepped out of the desert. I also had my hair braided in corn row braids in cool zig zag shapes that went back into a high, wild ponytail. I also liked to put feathers into my hair to accentuate Native American stereotypes for the future generations but I hadn't planned on seeing anyone but Charlie today.

I looked at myself in the mirror and blew a kiss at my reflection. Then I held my hands out to the side, palms up.

"I just want to take this time to say, that I am HOT." I flipped my hair and sashayed out of the bathroom.

Did I mention I'm a teenage girl? Yeah, well, let's revise that. I shall be referred to as QUEEN. Or Her Supreme Majesty. I'm not picky.

The doorbell rang and I ran down the stairs. I was excited to see what Jacob looked like all grown up. Opening the door after a brief dispute with the lock I saw Billy first, in a wheelchair, which was new.

Charlie had forgotten to apprise me of that detail. I assumed that like other things, like a new design on a rug, after a long time of newness, that thing becomes old and is no longer relevant. There was nothing anyone could do to change the fact that Billy had an accident and was now in the wheelchair so it was accepted as a fact of life and irrelevant to share the details again and make it all fresh. And yes, I do have thoughts that deep at very inconvenient moments. Billy held out his hand.

"Hello, Haseya." He said

I smiled

"You remember my name!" I exclaimed, shaking his hand.

Billy's eyes were lit up with a curiosity he tried to hide.

"Yes." He said. He was trying to work out why I had changed my name from Bella and I knew it, and I was not going to tell him. It's a story I myself would rather forget.

Behind him was a super tall boy. Jacob was about a year my junior but I tended to attract younger guys. I also looked far younger than my age. When I went through airport security on the way here, they thought I was a twelve year old. One of them lost a bet on it. I was used to it. When someone insists on wearing shirts with glittery watermelons on them…

"Is that Jacob or some hunk you picked up off the street?" I asked, arching my eyebrows.

Laughter burst out of Jacob like sunshine through the clouds. He tended to laugh more deep in his stomach, even as a boy. I remembered when he got his voice change how I insisted on putting my ear next to his stomach when he chuckled because of the vibrations. Of course when he pointed out that my nostrils fluted when I laughed that cute moment ended with my swift punch to his left shoulder, but I'm not the least bit miffed about it. Nope. Completely forgot it happened.

"Hey!" Jacob said "Can you help me get this old man over the threshold so I can go get dinner from the car?"

"Yeah, sure." I said. And from the front I lifted the arms of Billy's wheelchair over the threshold.

I hate to be narcissistic but I really love looking at the muscles in my arms when I pick things up. I am such a stud. I can't even handle it. Thanks to tennis and track and all the other madness I do, you can see tendons in my hands and you can actually see certain muscles moving in hard, lithe lines under that gorgeous tan skin. So I didn't look at Jacob until he got back with the dinner.

Billy had outdone himself by making some sort of pasta that looked like Fettucine Alfredo from a restaurant. Probably from the back of the box but there was no way I was going to complain about food.

I tried to carry the food into the kitchen but Jacob wouldn't let me. Mr. Chivalry. So then I set the table.

"Hey Jacob!" I said as soon as I was done, finally making eye contact.

I knew he was going to hug me. He'd never done that when we were too cool but for some reason I just knew it was coming. I steeled myself for the inevitable.

"Haseya!" He said, he wrapped me in a huge bear hug. I could literally feel his heartbeat, and I could also feel mine stopping as the air left my lungs. I wrapped my arms around him as tight as I could, you know, revenge for his breaking my ribs, but of course not so much as a pop. And out of nowhere _my_ back popped.

"Ahh!" I exclaimed, putting my hands to my back

"What was that?" Jacob let go instantly, fear lighting his eyes

"That," I said, using both hands to massage the left and right of my lower spine which was giddy with the pleasure of popping "Was my back popping."

Jacob looked extremely awkward. He is so cute when he's awkward. I'll have to remember to tell him that when he starts dating.

"Oh." He said

"It's fine." I said "Since I started running track it always pops at really inconvenient moments. That feels _so_ good."

Then I couldn't help it, I put my hand to cover my face and I started laughing so hard I nearly cried. Jacob saw me losing it and he waited for it to subside and put his hand on my shoulder

"Are you all right?" He asked.

I snorted.

"I'm not just all right, I'm fabulous." I said. I gestured with my hand to his physique, which was getting to be long and muscular. I smiled "Has anyone ever told you that you're beautiful?"

He laughed again.

"I'm still a beanpole." He said

"You got a point, stud?" I asked.

That made him laugh so hard I saw a tear leak out of the corner of his eye.

"I missed you." He admitted.

"Me too." I said.

I suddenly became aware that Billy and Charlie were sizing me and Jacob up and there was a gleam in Charlie's eyes that made me want to throw a tomahawk in his general direction.

"The food is cold." Billy observed. "Do you two want to heat it up while Charlie and I talk in the front room?"

I nodded my assent even though I knew exactly what the old men were up to and it was not happening. Jacob Black was not the only man in my life with muscles and dating was so out of the question. Then again, he was cuter now that he wasn't commenting on my nostrils. Ok, he'd always been cute even when he was a jerk. But there was no way, Jose, that I was settling for just one guy. Call me cruel but I'd rather leave a string of broken hearts behind me than pick one and go with it. Plus Jacob didn't see me the way Charlie and Billy were thinking, did he?

As I took out the container and stuck it in the microwave I caught Jacob looking at me funny. When I say funny I mean I caught him appraising me. That made me very excited and very insecure at the same time. His gaze made me aware of my pulse as blood rushed fast and hot through my limbs, making my legs weak.

It's not every day that your guy friend gives you that kind of look and on the one hand you want to slap him for it but on the other hand part of you has always wanted that from him, if he's not a flubberworm, that is.

RRRRR. Having hot guy friends is a pain.

"So you do tennis?" Jacob asked

"Yeah." I said "How about you, any sports?"

"Na." Jacob shook his head "I actually build cars."

I took this opportunity to lean my back against the counter because in my experience, guys tend to look at my back more than my front. I hate men. Did I mention that?

"NO." I said, pointing a finger at him "You aren't serious."

"I am." Jacob said, flashing his gorgeous smile.

"So that's where the biceps come from." I said "I was wondering how you get biceps like that in Forks."

Jacob shrugged and shuffled his feet as though he was about to ask a question he wasn't sure he wanted to ask.

"I thought you weren't going to visit anymore." He said, looking down. I crossed my arms over my chest and said

"I was working through some things."

"So, umm, why are you back now?" He asked.

The look in his eyes was fragile as though I could cut him with my response. Normal people would look at the expression he was giving me and think that he was being casual and asking a question to get an answer he didn't really care about. I knew different. He reminded me forcibly of that time I had been pet sitting a black Labrador puppy named Levi and every time I got up to go home the puppy's black eyes would watch me and this look would come over his face like if I left his heart would break in two.

When I saw that look I always had to walk over to Levi the puppy, put my arms around him, hug him tight and tell him how much I loved him and how he was going to be fine because his owners were coming home soon. At that point Levi would get hopeful that I would stay. But as soon as I put my shoes on he knew I was bound to leave and he put his tail between his legs and started to keen.

I am really good with dogs, animals, and that makes me good with people. It's a gift. So thusly I knew my response to Jacob would have to be like what I told the puppy. Honest and somehow I'd have to remind him I cared about him without some awkward display of affection.

"I've been having a really hard time, Jake." I said "School's been super stressful, I've been fighting nonstop with my mom, I'm trying to work out how to get into college, and I just haven't felt like I've been making the cut. I wanted to try it out here for a year as kind of a break from everything." To my surprise I was finally crying.

"Haseya?" Jacob asked.

I had turned my face away from him and put the back of my hand up to wipe away my tears. I couldn't talk past the lump in my throat so I just opened the microwave to pull the noodles out. He walked over to my side and I felt the strength drain out of my forearm, it was all I could do to keep my grip on the counter, where my hand had latched on like I was holding on for dear life.

 _There is no way_ , I told myself, _that I'm going to let Charlie or anybody see me cry_.

"Hey, baby, what's wrong?" Jacob asked

The fact that he called me baby helped me master myself. I just felt so out of control lately, like something was deeply wrong. Actually being called baby is one of those tricks because whenever I freak out I say "Baby, calm down." To remind myself I'm too young to not be happy.

I managed to speak.

"I." I choked. "I'm just… I gotta go." I tore my hand away from the counter. So much for self-mastery.

And just like that I was out the door, running, without shoes. Straight into the woods. I heard panicked voices coming from the house but I kept running. There was no trail where I was but that didn't matter to me. I didn't want to be on the trail. I wanted to get away from everything. I didn't want to have to stand before Jacob or Charlie or Billy and be accountable for my depression. I didn't want anyone to ask me "Are you okay?" Because I wasn't. I hadn't been okay for a few months now.

I ran until my breathing got ragged and my clothes were full of scratches. I'd bruised myself against branches but I didn't care. That was the thing about running. I didn't care anymore.

For me to run until I get tired is quite a while so I imagine that I ran for at least two hours that night through the rain and even though it was pitch black I managed to correct every misstep. The moon broke through the clouds and I saw my own bedraggled state. I shrugged. I started to walk now. I didn't really care about getting back to Charlie's house.

This kind of thing had happened back in Arizona too but usually I came back before nightfall because walking around at night is when scorpions and other nasties come out to do their jobs. But I ran miles and miles on the rez. I didn't know what I was running from but when I was running I was not stressed. I was peaceful. I was ruled by the desire to run and be away from the things of man.

Even now I was no longer stressed. I had come to a quiet acknowledgement that my actions had been wrong and stupid and that I had probably driven Charlie to arouse a search party. Which was too bad for him because I would get back home in one piece. No matter how far I wandered I was never lost, and I always managed to reach home again.

In Navajo religion they say the spirits of our ancestors watch out for us. Well, I know mine do. There are many times when I should have by all logical reason been lost in the desert with no easy way back and I've found my way back. It's like this feeling of companionship, of never being alone. There are some strange things my people do and half of me feels like because of the "white" I shouldn't be a Navajo because I'm not pure, but I'm sure of protection.

It's a very quiet thing. A quiet assurance that is like the wind. You don't see it, but it's there and it is always around you.

I caught sight of a house with a yard and walked towards it, moving through the trees like a shadow. By all accounts I should have been afraid of the dark shadow that crossed my path because it was most assuredly a wolf. But I wasn't. I watched the great black wolf bound across the path and then I saw its eyes fix on me. And I still wasn't afraid.

"Yes. I'm here." I said. "And I want to be alone. Don't be concerned about me, I will find my path. Worry about your own."

The wolf regarded me with deeply intelligent eyes but it melted into the underbrush.

I got back to Charlie's house at about midnight and I was tired but I was now calm. I was worried about how cold my limbs were but that was minor. The jittery, nervous energy that had made me need to leave had dissipated. He was gone, presumably to search for me. I went up the stairs and showered with hot water very quickly, and without even drying my hair I pulled on sweatpants, flip flops, and a t-shirt. I layered Jacob's jacket over it as he had left it here. I walked back into the woods, sufficiently warmed to join the attempt. Billy was in the other side of the house. How do I know that? Good question. I just knew.

"CHARLIE!" I yelled "JACOB!"

I heard voices calling out my name.

"CHARLIE! JACOB! I'M AT THE HOUSE!" I yelled. I heard them coming towards me. I knew they would be angry with me so I went back in and was face to face with Billy. I ran my hand through my dripping ponytail.

There was something impossible to read in his black eyes.

"I'm going to bed." I announced. "It's a school night, after all."

With that I left my shoes by the door as well as Jacob's jacket, and went upstairs just as Charlie and Jacob came back in through the door. I heard their concerned voices murmuring from where I lay on my bed, staring at the white ceiling and wishing it was a starry sky rather than this walled cage. I heard them move towards the door.

"Haseya is struggling." Billy said "Charlie, what is the reservation in Arizona like?"

Charlie sighed. "I don't know Billy. Whenever I ask about it she puts barriers up and hides it from me."

Jacob was silent, to his credit.

"I'm deeply concerned about my daughter, Billy." Charlie said "Her mother says that more and more often, Haseya leaves the house without warning and runs off. She has no idea where she goes. And Haseya doesn't talk about it with us. I was hoping maybe having you and Jacob come over would help her adjust to life here."

I could almost feel Billy thinking. Typical to most Native American tribal leaders was a wisdom that you just couldn't get off a cereal box, there was a deepness to their words sometimes that reflected the past better than any pool of water. It was as though the ancestors spoke through them for our good. And it was that way that he spoke now.

"Haseya needs to wander." Billy said "We can hope for her safety, but I fear if we try to shut her in a house, in a small town, it will end badly. You have to let her run, Charlie."

Charlie heaved another sigh.

"I worry so much about her."

Billy looked up in the direction of my room.

"You don't need to." He said with utmost authority. I clutched the bone carving of the wolf that dangled around my neck as I heard that.

"I'm so sorry, Charlie." Jacob said "I just asked her if she was okay and she just ran out. I should have stopped her."

"Not your fault, Jacob." Charlie said "I'll have her call you when she's ready to apologize for scaring you like that."

I felt terrible for worrying them but at the same time I was assured of the necessity of running away again. Now I felt like I could go to school tomorrow. If I could have a conversation with a wolf in the woods and come back unharmed, then I could handle a school full of idiots. Right?

Hot tears dripped onto my pillow.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2. The Beating Drum**

My morning started out with an awkward and almost silent conversation between me and Charlie. He watched me like a hawk and I beat him back with perfect nonchalance until he was driven to needling me with questions like.

"So how was life on the rez?"

"I haven't been living there lately."

"Spending a lot of time with your grandmother?"

"Maybe."

"How are your grades at school?"

"Perfect."

"Do you have a boyfriend?"

"NO."

"Umm… Haseya." Charlie started to say. But I was already gone. I ignored the car sitting in the front driveway and walked to school. My cellphone was in my backpack and I had an umbrella.

As I sloshed through the flood I was reminded of bitter childhood memories, memories which I largely blamed Charlie for when I was growing up. The times when kids found out I was half white and wouldn't play with me at school so I ate lunch and played all by myself at recess. I remembered what it was like to be a little girl again, tripping over Navajo words and dreaming about what it would be like to actually own a Barbie doll. To be so perfect and wonderful that I would have a dream job and a dream boyfriend when I grew up, to be prettier than a Barbie doll and gorgeous and confident in anything I wore. Those dreams started to matter less as I was forced to grow up more.

I kicked a rain puddle. I felt like everything in my life wanted me to bury that little girl under the ground and suddenly be someone else. But I would always be that little girl. Though a person can change everyday, who we are never truly changes, it's just how we act about it that shows us and others who we are. I still like to play and imagine and dream and create. I still would like to live in a world where it doesn't matter what color anyone's skin is.

Last night when I spoke to the wolf, thinking about it made me shudder. Last night I had had nightmares about dream catchers and spirits of the wind as well as the animals of the old legends. It had been a torrent of images and sounds so real that I felt as though I was standing in the desert on the hard packed red earth as the rain beat down and the desert breathed, facing every piece of my past through symbols.

Sigmund Freud says that a dream is a wish your heart makes. My heart wishes to understand who I am and how I fit into this strange world of colors and peoples. My heart wishes to understand what it means for me to be Navajo and white, what to embrace and what I need to change. Being in the rez was some of the times in my life when I understood that my people were broken and being outside of the rez taught me that many, many people are broken. My skin color shouldn't tell me what to be any more than grass can tell me not to mow it.

I walked into the reception office at the school which was bursting with green potted plants. The red-haired lady behind the desk knew who I was instantly.

"Bella."

"Haseya." I corrected

She handed me my school schedule and map. I took it from her, smiled and said.

"Thank you."

"You're welcome." She gushed.

On my way out of the room I bit back a sigh. School.

I made it to my first class thanks to my amazing sense of direction. Which is incidentally why I had to get up halfway through it and find the class I was actually supposed to be in. It was kind of embarrassing to walk in late because the teacher was like

"Oh, here is our new student!"

"What was your first clue?" I asked, annoyed as I wrung water out of my hair onto the carpet. Stupid cheap raincoat.

It was cheap carpet anyways.

"Well." The teacher looked like they were sucking on a lemonhead. "Can you introduce yourself?"

"Yes." I said. I walked to the front of the classroom and said "Hello class, my name is Haseya, and I'm from Arizona. I love sports and the outdoors. I also hate math." Then I bowed dramatically and took a seat in front of a greasy haired geek boy.

 _Would it be evil of me to wring my hair out on his desk?_ I wondered. After class this black-haired boy spoke to me

"Haseya?" He asked "Is that your name?"

"Yeah." I said "Who are you?"

"I'm Eric!" He said, holding out a hand for me to shake, which I did, trying to break his fingers as I never have liked men who smile during first hour.

Wincing he withdrew his hand. I smiled with pleasure.

"What's your next class?" He asked

Oh, the one furthest away from you. I thought.

"Government with Jefferson in Building six." I said

"I'll show you the way!" He said, way over-eager.

Oh great, I've already picked up a tail. I thought. He made a few stabs at small talk on the way over about how he wished we had more classes together. Right, I thought, classes. This kid had a crush on me.

He was minor league compared to Mike Newton, my second tail. That kid, after meeting me, was unstoppable. He followed me until lunch.

"So how hot is Arizona?" He asked

"That depends." I said as I shouldered my backpack, ready to go.

"On what?"

"Whether I'm over there or not."

Mike laughed nervously and fell silent. Mission accomplished.

At lunch I sat at a table with a girl who had spoken to me who had been in Spanish and Trig. I wanted to drop Spanish ASAP because I already know Navajo and I don't want to learn Spanish. When the Hispanic kids back home wanted to shut out the "white" people they switched to Spanish. So of course I understand Spanish but I refuse to speak it. Gotta drop that class. Too bad they don't accept online Navajo for credit over here or I could pay for a course, ace it, and move on with life.

People seemed almost afraid of me here which was not normal. Back home I blended in just fine. I mean, guys were afraid of me, but the girls weren't. I wasn't that intimidating.

And that was when my gaze was directed to a group of people who were beautiful beyond reason. The tall blonde girl at that table was a freaking swimsuit model only super white instead of tan (not sure swimsuit models are allowed to be pale…), the other girl had short spiky black hair, and then there were the guys. There was a hunk of blonde muscle, another guy with a serious face, and then this one with tawny hair. He was rather cuter than the rest of them and had this charisma around him that made the girls at my table swoon though they tried to hide it.

"So, what kind of drugs are they taking?" I asked, pointing at the group of supermodels. Jessica sighed and rolled her eyes, annoyed at my interruption of her story about how once the stoplight down the street broke, and explained.

"Those are the Cullens. Rosalie and Emmet Cullen. Then Alice and Jasper Hale. And the last one is Edward. Don't ask, he doesn't date."

"Do I look like I want him?" I asked her, offended by her assumption that I'd fall in love with some stupid boy just for looks. "Look at his nose, it's _obviously_ off center."

The one called Edward's gaze flicked over to Jessica, then passed to mine. I raised my eyebrow like whatcha gonna do punk and saw surprise flit over his face. _Dat's right._ I thought, _now be a good boy and mind your own business, staring at your lunch like you'd rather eat the table it's on._

"He's staring at you!" Jessica announced.

"I'm beautiful. Happens all the time." I said, taking a bite out of my apple.

"No," she said "I'm serious. He is staring at you."

"Sucks for him, because I'm about to pull a face."

"No!" Jessica said. Too late. I looked up, made eye contact with this Edward character, and stuck my tongue out at him like a five year old.

I enjoy giving people heart failure. His look of shock morphed into astonished laughter. I gamely ignored him and soon he left the cafeteria with the rest of the dream team.

Unfortunately for me I had Biology with him next. He seemed friendly enough until I walked past the table where he was sitting, alone, even though I'm sure there was a lineup of women who wanted to be there, and then he went rigid.

I introduced myself as Haseya again and sat down at the table. He leaned as far away from me as possible.

"You look like someone freaking bit you, you got a problem with me?" I asked "If you want, you can leave." The teacher had started to lecture but I was not about to let that interrupt my conversation. My conversations were WAY more important than mitosis.

Edward flashed a look of pure hatred at me. I responded in kind with a snarl.

"Fine." I said "Be that way."

As soon as the bell rang he ran out the door and I glared at him as he went to the doorway

"What was up with Cullen?" Mike asked "Did you stab him with a pencil or something?"

"Isn't it obvious?" I asked, looking at Edward's retreating back "I bit him."

My next class was PE which Charlie had signed me up for. Apparently this town was so small that I'd have to go on the rez to find a tennis court. Some tribal outreach program had built one, according to Charlie, so I'd have to go over there to use it. It was for rez kids only, though, so I'd have to find someone to play with from the rez. _Hello Jacob, remember how we're friends? Well I'm reminding you because I need something_.

I didn't even have to dress out for PE. The teacher talked about how much fun we were going to have with our volleyball unit and how we needed to get into shape. I may have flashed a very sinister smile at that point but there were no major witnesses.

After school I ran into Edward in the reception office handing in my slip that I'd had all my teachers sign to say "yes, she was here today, even though she didn't learn a thing". I waited behind him as he tried urgently to switch out of his Biology class. She kept shaking her head and calling him honey. When he saw me he stiffened and his fist clenched on the table. He looked like he wanted to hit something. Like he wanted to hit me.

My eyes narrowed and I folded my arms over my chest, on his way out I said

"Yo Cullen. Have a nice day." My voice spat icicles in his direction.

He didn't say anything. I smiled warmly at the receptionist and handed in my slip.

"How was your first day?"

"It was flawless." I said breezily before turning on my heel and walking out.

When I got home from school the first thing I did was call Charlie and get the Black's phone number.

"Hey." I said into the phone when I called the Black's. It was Billy who picked up.

"Hello?" Billy asked

"This is Haseya. Is Jacob around?" I asked.

"He's out working on his car right now." Billy said.

"Good. I'm coming over." I said. And hung up.

I drove the monster truck over to the rez and down to Jacob's house. He came out of the garage pulling his long hair into a ponytail. He had an umbrella in his other hand.

Girl hair, Jacob, why?

I parked the truck and stuck the key into my jean pocket. Jacob held the umbrella over our heads. Sad, really, my hair was already soaked but the gesture was appreciated.

"Haseya!" Jacob said, a smile breaking out over his face. Somewhat hesitant because of what had happened yesterday, I imagine.

"Hey, bro." I said. "Can we talk for a minute?"

"Sure, sure." He said "If we go in the garage, if you want, and you can see my car."

"K." I said.

We walked over to his garage shed and he pulled open the car door so I could sit while he worked. To alleviate some of the wetness I pulled off my jacket to show off my black tennis t-shirt.

"I'm soaking wet." I said, deciding it would be nice to mention that before I left a massive wet spot on his pride and joy thanks to spandex jeans.

"Doesn't matter." Jacob said "So, what's up?"

"I'm way sorry about yesterday." I said, fingering the necklace at my throat.

Jacob didn't say anything. He fiddled with some tools and started to religiously put them back where they belonged. I sensed what he was about to say next was bothering him.

"I just, when you ran away…" He started to say.

"You were worried about me. I hurt you, and I'm sorry." I said

He looked at me and I saw a rare serious expression cross his face.

"You can't play with me like that." He said "I know you like to be fun and play around, but when you put yourself in danger, I can't handle that."

I felt like I'd been kicked in the stomach. _Do not cry_. I told myself.

"I am so sorry Jacob." I said.

"I know you've been having a hard time lately," Jacob said "And I want you to know that I'm here for you, and you shouldn't do things like you did yesterday. You could get hurt."

I could not speak. I buried my face in my hands instead. I remembered all those times Jacob and I had been friends. We had both grown up a lot since then and I realized for the first time that for realsies Jacob was growing up into a man. A darn good one. But despite everything else he had always been kind to me and yesterday I had been so afraid of what he or Charlie or Billy might think of me I'd decided to throw everything out of the frying pan and into the fire, so to speak, avoiding a consequence that may have never happened. And I'd hurt him.

He was quiet. He stood by the car door trying to figure out how to respond to my sudden display of emotion. I slid out of the car, walked right over to him, and buried my face in his shirt. That meant my face was on his collarbone because he'd decided to grow a bunch over the summer. I just stood there with my hands up to my face, hiding my face in his shoulder, while he stood there and one of his big hands patted my shoulder gently like a nervous brown butterfly.

"You never let me hug you before." Jacob said slowly "Why?"

I grumbled something about stupid men into his shoulder. Then I decided to be mature. It's very rare that that happens, but it happened.

"A couple years ago some guy jumped me from behind." I said "I'm still not over it."

"Was that on the rez?" he asked

"Yeah." I said, still trying not to bawl so I wouldn't get mascara all over his white t-shirt. Why was he even wearing a white t-shirt? I was so frustrated with myself I wanted to just go to sleep or something and not have to deal with me. I was a mess. Jacob shouldn't have to deal with this mess.

He hugged me tight for a second.

"Well, you aren't there now." He said "Everything is going to be fine."

"Is it?" I asked.

"Yeah." Jacob said "You just gotta let some things go."

"It's not that easy." I said, looking at the cement floor of the garage.

"Well, can you talk about it?" Jacob asked "I don't have anything else to do so I can hear whatever you want to say."

"Did I mention you're my best friend?" I asked him. We sat on the floor next to his car with our backs leaned up against a tire. And I told Jacob everything.

I told him about moving back off the reservation and my grandmother telling me to embrace my heritage while at the same time my mother resisted. I told him about the kids at school who picked on me for being half white and the day I dropped my "white" name. I talked about how my mom and I always fought nowadays and her dating JJ and me getting a C in a math class, and that huge fight about it that led me to call Charlie and culminated in my moving here. And I told him that even though it wasn't safe I did go running on the rez or in the city during the hottest parts of the day because I just wanted to get out of my house.

"I just wanted to get away from the stress and from my mom. I couldn't stand being alone with her. I only felt good when I was outside. Tennis helped but my mom would sometimes take my racquet because she said it wasn't healthy for me to have tennis at school and then come home and work out again. So I would run. I did bleachers. I ran all over the place. It didn't matter how hot it was or if it was raining, I was outside." I paused "I guess yesterday I just wasn't ready to tell you about my problems. I didn't want you to be sad for me because I felt like if you were upset about my problems, that would make them seem even worse than they already were. So when you asked me if I was okay I just didn't want to be there anymore. Running away was stupid but I felt compelled to do it."

Tears leaked out of the corner of my eyes and I put my face on his shoulder again. Screw his white t-shirt.

Jacob was quiet. He had listened quietly and patiently the whole time and now he looked like something was troubling him.

"But if you don't tell people what's wrong, they can't help you."

"But people will be upset if I do tell them." I said.

"Well, take that Edward punk for instance," Jacob said "you dealt with him right on. But if you didn't tell me about it, would I be able to tell you that he's a jerk and make you smile?"

"I guess not." I smiled despite myself "I really did get him, didn't I?"

"Yeah." Jacob said "And those boys that were following you around too."

"I almost feel bad about that. They seemed so nice." I said.

"Yeah, right." Jacob snorted "I'm pretty sure I know why they were being nice."

"You think I couldn't tell?" I asked him, turning to look at him disbelievingly.

"Well, if you ever need me to tell someone to back off, I'll bring Quill and Embry and I'll do it."

"Embry?" I asked "Quill?"

"I met them last year," Jacob said "They're my friends."

"Not as cute as me." I muttered.

"Yeah, not as cute as you." Jacob said "Are you feeling better now?"

"Yeah. I guess I need to get back home now."

"You want me to drive you?" Jacob asked "I can drive you there and walk back."

I did want Jacob there. But I wasn't going to ask him to walk miles in the rain.

"No, it's okay." I said, standing up and pointedly ignoring the wet spot in the shape of the back of my jeans on the cement.

I grabbed my jacket and pulled it on. As we walked back to my car I decided to brief Jacob on what he was allowed to say to Billy. Not that Jacob would get me in trouble but whatever went to Billy would go to Charlie unless I forbade it, and I preferred to filter the news people received rather than ask them not to tell. I call it the two men can keep a secret if one of the men is dead principle.

"So you're going to tell Billy, when he asks, because he will, that I came over here to apologize for yesterday."

"And?" Jacob asked

"Tell him I'm having a hard time, but that I'm going to be okay." I said.

"Can I also tell him what you said to that Edward punk today?"

"Oh yes." I said "And don't forget to stick your tongue out when you tell him."

"I won't." Jacob said.

When I got back to my car Jacob hesitated with his hands stuck in his pockets. He looked like he wanted to reach out with his mechanic's hands and make all my problems go away, but he knew I couldn't let him do that for me. We both knew each other too well to misjudge that.

He clasped my shoulder with his hand one last time.

"Have a good day tomorrow." He said. "And don't forget that I'm your friend."

"I won't." I promised. He let go of my shoulder and closed the door for me.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3. Ma'iitsoh-The Wolf**

I didn't see Cullen at school for about a week. I did look for him, in the way you look for a big hairy spider in your room, I was afraid of him coming back but also eager in a way. I wanted to settle why he had such a problem with me.

It was about Friday and I had plans to go over to Jacob's after school to hang out with him and Quill and Embry- after I skyped with my friends, that is. Apparently we were going to go to some bonfire party on the beach tonight. Supposedly people went to the beach in Forks when it was warmer, but in La Push the kids had bonfires in the winter because they can.

Mike was walking me to class as I was thinking about everything with Cullen and my mom as I ignored his idle chatter, and then I saw snowflakes falling. I looked up at the sky.

"Pretty!" I said, smiling. Mike stopped what he was doing

"It doesn't snow in Phoenix, does it?"

"No." I said

That was when a slushball hit Mike in the back of the head. I looked around at Eric who was walking away in the wrong direction for his next class. Everyone was throwing slushballs. I just kept walking. And then I saw Edward sitting calmly on a bench outside the building where his next class was, reading a book. His siblings were playing around in the snow like everyone else. I bent down low and scooped some snow together. If he could sense my presence he didn't let on.

I let fly and thanks be to tennis I nailed him on the left shoulder and dropped behind a bush. He spun around, looking bewildered. Then one of his siblings got him and as he was distracted I went to my next class, smirking. That felt good.

During Spanish I got so bored I started to draw up plans for what to do with my abundant free time in Forks. After all, it was snowing. No idea what I was going to do on Saturday. I wrote a little thought about going to hang out with Jacob but I wasn't so sure I wanted to do that. He was my best friend, but he was still a guy, so my hanging out with him one on one might get us into some awkward situations. I could stay home and turn the bathroom into a spa.

Yes. I drew it all out what I wanted. I was going to turn the bathroom into a Zen masterpiece. I'd need some big round pebbles, which I could get on my run Saturday morning. I'd also need two bamboo mats and some aromatherapy candles. Maybe a tray to hold my things.

Since I'd moved into the house Charlie had been completely hands off with my side of the house. He avoided it like the plague and I was fine with that.

I also had big ideas for my tiny walk in closet such as a giant poster of Hawaii. I was also going to get rid of the lace curtains. Who needs curtains when it's always so dark outside? I didn't.

At lunch Edward continued to stare at me. This time I didn't even acknowledge him, but Jess did. She was green with envy over his glances in my general direction and ceaselessly remarked on it. I told her it didn't matter and she shouldn't let that brownie go to waste. When she continued to ignore me I offered to eat it for her. No go. Which was too bad because I need extra brownies in order to be fabulous.

In Biology Edward smiled when he saw me.

I didn't smile back. I felt like saying "hello bipolar" but I didn't cause that might actually be a sensitive topic. Now his off-center nose I was free to comment on anytime.

"Hello," He said politely as everyone else got ready to learn and I went through my backpack looking for a snack. "My name is Edward Cullen, we got off to a bad start last week."

"You don't say." I said.

"I'm sorry." He said

That was it, no explanation, no embarrassment, just a cool and quick "I'm sorry". Fine. It wasn't like I cared about him anyways. Stupid, flawless, pansy man who made my heart beat faster just by being at the same table. I hated him for the fact that I liked him. He was a jerk and I shouldn't like him.

"Ok." I said.

The teacher explained our lab which would be to identify the stages of the cell cycle, so easy. I had been through AP Bio back home but Forks didn't offer any interesting science classes so I had signed up for this one to stay up with my science credits.

"Ladies first." Edward said, shoving the microscope towards me. I looked through it.

"If I was being honest," I said "I don't care what stage of the cell cycle this is at. But nonetheless it's prophase."

"Mind if I check?"

"Not at all." I said, imagining him hanging from a chain clamped to a rock over a frozen cliff in the Tundra, bacon strapped to his body with a sign hanging on the chain above him reading "wolf chow".

"You're right." He said, writing in perfect handwriting on the lab sheet both of our names as well as the first slide.

He did the next one and so on until we went through all of them. Then Mr. Banner came over to ask Edward why he'd done all the slides by himself.

"Haseya did three of the five, sir." He said politely.

"Were you in an AP program back in Phoenix?" Mr. Banner asked

"Yes." I said.

"Well, I guess it is good you two are lab partners then." He muttered, walking away. Edward was staring at me as I deftly drew the outline of a black wolf onto my paper.

"So. It snowed today." He said

"Yes, I was there." I said

"You don't like the cold, do you?"

"I like dry, autumn cold, not wet sloshy snow cold." I said

"Forks must be a difficult place for you to live."

"There are perks." I mused, my teeth catching my lower lip as I thought about Jacob.

"So why did you come here?" Edward asked, forcing more small talk.

I didn't see why I had to tell this gold-eyed stranger anything but I didn't want to be as rude as he was last week, so I answered.

"Needed a break from my mom." I said

"Why?" Edward asked

"We haven't been getting along very well lately. Usually it's just me and her, and maybe JJ."

"JJ?" Edward asked

"Super awesome ex NFL football player. 6 foot tall, black, with tattoos all the way up his arms and an earring. He's from the hood, but he works as an NFL coach and a manager." I explained

"Your mother is dating him?" Edward asked

"Yeah." I said offhandedly "They're probably going to get married."

"You came here because of that?" Edward asked

"No. It's like I said. Mom and I aren't getting along. I started to really struggle in school and finally we just decided I needed to spend some quality time with Charlie." I looked at the window outside "Actually, I decided that."

"So your mom, what's her ethnicity?" Edward asked.

Ah. My favorite question ever. Not.

"Navajo." I said

"That's cool." Edward said.

I didn't see how someone's ethnicity could be "cool" but I just nodded and drew in an extra flower in the plans for my bathroom. Would it be bad if I repainted it a bamboo green and then painted some pandas in there by the mirror?

"How do you feel about living here now?" Edward asked.

Something inside me snapped.

"Just fine." I said, trying not to sound angry. Edward was watching me with his head tilted, a curious smile playing over his face.

"You're hard to read." He said "It's like every time I try to understand you, you put up this wall."

"I'm not that complicated." I said "I have two demands of this world 1) Respect 2) Dark chocolate."

"I'd be willing to bet that you're suffering more than you let anyone see." Edward said, perfectly composed.

At this point I felt heat rush to my ears and I put my hands up to cover them, hoping he wouldn't notice. Which of course I knew he did.

"You are such a creeper." I said.

Edward took the hint and fell silent.

Mike caught up with me after class and grumbled.

"Cullen was sure friendly today."

"Yeah, I wonder what was up with him last week." I said coolly as I threw my backpack over my shoulder.

For the first time in the parking lot I saw the Cullens sliding into a silver, shiny Volvo. I nearly hit my gas instead of my brake in my haste to get away from Edward.

When I got home I pulled out my laptop and skyped three of my best friends at once. They were also in school and one of them was dating a super cute guy from the rez and he'd promised to take her out to a movie tomorrow. My other friend was having a nervous breakdown over her grades, and Jasmine, who had been one of my favorites because she was fun, said she was going to try out for the improv team at school. Finally I found out that Grace's boyfriend was a Navajo speaker. My female friends didn't like to speak it for some reason. I asked her if she could send me his skype and exchange mine so I could speak Navajo with him. She obliged and as we were talking about the English teacher who was a part time gospel rock singer, my message icon lit up with a message from Blue. Apparently people called him Blue Moon for some reason and his Navajo name translated as moonlight or something. I got my friends to hang up and quickly checked his message.

"Hey, my friend says you wanted to skype me?"

"Yeah, just a second." I typed back.

I ran to my closet and pulled on the t-shirt I was going to wear to the beach party, a super cool black shirt that had a white drawing of an Indian woman with feathers in her hair. I sat back down at the table that served as my desk and hit the call button.

I went straight through and I was looking at a guy. My friend wasn't exaggerating when she was he was hot. I said hello in Navajo and told him my name. He said he knew my name from Grace and said she talked about me a lot. I smiled. The Navajo was flowing effortlessly, like a river. I did not have to slip into English once even though some things just don't translate from Navajo because Navajo is a very contextual language so meanings change often.

"What does she say about me?" I asked

"She says you're very funny." He said "And also that you play tennis and run track."

"Yeah, that just about covers it."

"So how old are you?" He asked.

"Guess."

"Uh… Fifteen?" He asked.

"Seventeen." I said "But two years off is doing well when it comes to me."

I heard a voice call out "Blue!"

"Sorry," He said " Deesdoi." He picked up the fan that had been blowing behind him and walked out of the room with it.

I waited for him to return and when he did we looked at each other.

"So how old are you?" I asked

"I'm eighteen." He said "I'm a Junior, though, same as you."

"So you live on the rez?" I asked

"Yeah." He said "The rez."

"The middle?" I guessed

"Nah, I'm from the east side." He said.

"So you have the funny accent." I said, smiling

"I think it's a very 'sexy' accent, personally." He said, laughing. I laughed too.

"And Grace calls you Blue?" I asked

"Yeah." He said

"How long have you two been dating?"

"Maybe two weeks?" He said as though he didn't know the answer to my question.

"So does that mean you're together?" I asked

"Not yet." Blue said "Do you think she likes me?"

I tilted my head as I considered. From my limited perspective through the screen I could see the situation shaping up like it normally did when Grace had a boyfriend or "boyf" as she liked to call them when she wanted me to look her in the face and say "You are dumber than Barbie." Ahem. Grace was more in love with the idea of having a boy than the boy she was with. So she would date a guy, become his girlfriend, hang around for a month, and then dump him for someone else. It wasn't personal because for her relationships weren't all that personal. For instance kissing for her was like shaking hands, the more the better and it didn't mean anything to her. I clicked my tongue to fill the silence as I considered.

"Yes." I said hesitantly "But." I paused again

"What is it?"

"Grace is my friend so I hate to say this, but I feel like I should tell you that Grace really likes boys. She treats them like disposable tissues. So be careful not to care about her too much because she doesn't just stay with one guy."

Blue looked unsurprised and he nodded.

"You know her better than anyone." He said

"I'm sorry, bro." I said "Want to talk about my dating life?" I asked, smirking

"If you want." He said

"Nada." I said "I'm so good with relationships that I've never had one."

"If you ever come back to the rez I'd be happy to go out with you." Blue said. "You seem fun."

"I am fun, and I'll keep that in mind." I said.

"So why did you want to skype me?" Blue asked

"I just wanted to speak Navajo!" I exclaimed, "I'm up here in Forks Washington and there aren't any Navajo around here, there's the Quileute and that's it. I just wanted to hear Navajo."

"Grace knows Navajo." Blue said slowly

"Grace hates speaking Navajo," I explained "She says it makes her sound like a crow."

"I understand." Blue said. "So is there anything else?"

"Not today." I said "I'm going to a bonfire party with some kids from La Push tonight and I have some homework to do. Want to skype next week?" I asked

"Yeah." Blue said "It was nice meeting you."

"You too." I said. "Bye Blue!"

He waved goodbye back and I ended the call. Blue was cool, I decided. Why is it all my friends found the cute Navajo boys? Probably because none of them were half white. With that bitter thought I shut my laptop and plugged it into the outlet.

I had about two hours before I went to the bonfire so I drove to the store and used Charlie's food money to buy food. I also bought some things for my spa using the visa card my mom gave me an allowance on. It was the same card I loaded money to from my job back home. I'd worked at Bahama Bucks over the summer for the past two years and I had a ton of money from that, which I had split into half to save and half to spend. I still had a lot to spend.

I'd have to see about getting a job up here. Forks was a little town so there weren't any tourists. Maybe there were backpackers? I thought about it as the nice lady behind the register rang me up and gave me back too much change (which I didn't notice because I just don't care about silly nitpicky things like that) and before I even got into the car I decided against getting a job. I already had a lot going on this year.

Charlie was surprised, to say the least, when he got home to the smell of enchiladas in the oven. He hung up his gun, jacket and belt, but left his big muddy boots on. I'd have to comment on that at some point.

"Hey, Haseya! What is that smell?" He asked

"Enchiladas!" I yelled back from where I was sticking a panda wall transfer over the now dry paint. I had easily painted the small bathroom a beautiful shade of bamboo green and bought just enough that I didn't have left over, I hadn't had time for much else but enchiladas which was made easy by the fact that I had everything from the thrift mart except tortillas. I had had to make my own corn tortillas and I had done it.

"Haseya, that looks like a lot of food." Charlie said

"Yeah?" I asked. Then I realized. I was used to cooking for me, mom, and JJ. JJ ate the equivalent of three servings.

"How about you invite the Blacks over? Billy and I can watch the game while you and Jacob go to the bonfire in La Push." Charlie suggested.

"I'll call and ask." I said, running to grab my cell.

Jacob answered on the second ring as though he'd been waiting for it.

"Hey, Jacob." I said "What are your feelings on enchiladas?"

"Even though I have no idea what that is, I am very excited to hear that word." Jacob said.

"It's Mexican food." I said "I made too much and I have extra. My dad wants to know if you guys want to come up so Billy and Charlie can watch the game after dinner while we go to the bonfire tonight."

"Yes! Hey Billy!" Jacob said "Haseya says she'll feed us dinner if we drive up."

I could hear Billy grumbling something in the background

"Yes, I know you just opened a can of chicken soup. But Haseya made enchilchadas."

Enchilchadas. I nearly died trying not to laugh.

"We're coming over!" Jacob said "Don't burn anything!"

"As if!" I said scornfully.

"See you soon!" Jacob said.

"See you!"

And we hung up at the same time. That takes skill.

In what seemed like no time at all Jacob and Billy were over. As a change from the snow earlier today it was now just cloudy and super cold. I had to go upstairs and grab my parka with the fake fur to put by the door just in case. My phone was charging by the door as well because I never really needed it unless I was going out.

Jacob knocked on the door and I opened it. Charlie called out

"Come on in!" From the living room where he was finding the right channel.

I had pulled the enchiladas out of the oven a few minutes ago and they were hot, the whole house was filled with the smells of Mexico. It made me feel more at home than I'd been so far these past two weeks. Jacob pushed his father into the kitchen where I'd moved a chair into the garage so that Billy could sit in his chair and eat. Then he turned to me and opened his arms wide for a hug, his huge smile making my entire face light up in response.

"Haseya!" He said happily as he squeezed me. I squeezed him back and then we broke apart.

"Hey, Jake." I said "How've you been?"

"Oh, I'm fabulous." He said. He looked over at the table where the enchiladas were still popping with the happy sounds of hot tortillas.

"You ready to try enchiladas?" I asked him.

"Yes." Jacob said. "They look amazing."

"I wouldn't have made so many, but my mother's boyfriend JJ is a really big guy and he used to play football, so he eats enough for three people." I explained as I walked over to a chair to sit down. Jacob pulled it out for me and pushed it in as I sat down. I was a little embarrassed by that but I tried not to show it. Billy had arranged it so that I was across from Jacob and he was across from Charlie by moving a chair aside with his wheelchair. Charlie came lumbering from the living room and sat down.

I'd gotten the enchiladas perfect for once, which was new, because normally when I cooked it was different every time. It didn't matter if I followed a recipe to the letter, I made very temperamental food. Actually that probably made it more authentic…

We all ate in silence for several happy minutes before Charlie finally got around to asking me about school. I had no idea why he was doing this in front of Billy and Jacob but he did.

"So, Haseya." Charlie said, leaning back in his chair, savoring the amazing flavors of the enchilada "how was school today?"

"Pretty normal." I said then my eyes lit up with excitement "I hit Edward Cullen with a snowball!"

A piece of enchilada fell from Billy's fork. Charlie looked gruff.

"Carlisle Cullen's son?" He asked

"Yeah, that one." I said "We all had a massive slushball fight at school and…"

"Why a Cullen?" Charlie asked

I pouted "I don't know he was just kind of there and he hasn't been very nice to me."

My eyes flicked from my dad to Billy. Billy's whole countenance had changed to something dark. He knew something about the Cullens, I could tell. I looked at Jacob, questioning. He mouthed "Tell you later."

Charlie sighed

"How about that Mike Newton kid that's been following you around? I spoke to his mother the other day and she says he wants to ask you to Homecoming next week."

I nearly spat enchilada all over the table.

"He say what?" I asked, too upset to bother with proper English

"He's a decent kid," Charlie said.

I was so mad I thought I might explode.

"Yeah." I said "And I'm not going to Homecoming."

"Why not?" Charlie asked "Seems like it'd be a good chance for you to meet other kids from your high school, get to know people."

"I don't do dances." I said abruptly.

"Your call, Bells." Charlie said. I raised my eyebrows at him. "Oh, sorry." He said.

I sighed deeply and got up to put my dishes in the sink. The kitchen had no dishwasher. Stupid house.

"So…" Charlie said awkwardly, then he started Billy on which teams were playing today. I watched Billy closely. Something about his careful nonchalance was fake, he had been startled by my mentioning the name Cullen. Jacob stood up from the table after his fourth enchilada to help me with the dishes.

"You don't have to" I started to say

"I want to help." Jacob said. I shrugged and we worked side by side. He washed while I dried and stacked them up so I could put them away.

"So…" Jacob said as I reached up to open the cupboard and put the plates away "You didn't mention that Mike kid."

"That's cause he's annoying." I said bluntly "He has a crush on me. Actually I have my own little posse of guys who are crushing on me. Mike, Eric, Edward, that other creepy kid that always stares at me during English, there's a whole lineup going on."

"Can't you just tell them you have a boyfriend?"

"That would be lying, because I don't." I said, walking back to the island to get the rest of the dishes to put away while Jacob washed Billy's dishes. Billy and Charlie had already deserted to the living room and I could hear the sounds of the game coming through it into the kitchen.

"If you want you can say I'm your boyfriend." Jacob offered

"I'll consider that." I said. "But if they ever see us together they'll see right through it."

"What makes you say that?" Jacob asked, raising an eyebrow and looking at me. I crossed my arms over my chest

"When was the last time we walked down the beach holding hands?" I asked.

"Fair point." Jacob said "Still, it's just an idea."

After we finished up I went to my room real quick to check my makeup and fix my hair. I came back down and pulled on my jacket and socks.

"Awesome socks." Jacob commented, pointing at my favorite pair of socks. The socks had ninjas on them.

"Thanks." I said, pulling on my boots to cover them up.

"You kids don't be out too late!" Charlie said from the living room, fulfilling his filial responsibilities with that single sentence.

"We won't!" I called back "Let's leave before he remembers I was supposed to call mom today." I stage whispered to Jacob as I pulled on my hoodie and we went out the door.

"Shall we take the tank?" I asked, jangling the keys to my car

"Sure." Jacob said "I remember this old monster, I am so glad your dad bought it."

"Why?" I asked, offended on behalf of a rusted hunk of metal on wheels.

"Ever tried to go above 60?" Jacob asked

"No." I said.

"Good. Don't." Jacob said. With that we both got into the car and I drove us over to La Push. Jacob smiled contentedly in the seat next to me.

"So…" I said, trying to fill the silence "Is it going to be all kids from the rez tonight?"

"No." Jacob said "We get some kids from Forks High School over there pretty often. They throw their own party most of the time but I think tonight we're going to be together."

"Sounds good. As long as Mike isn't there." I growled.

"I'm sure the kid is harmless." Jacob said "Pretty annoying, but harmless."

"Guys are just so weird." I complained as I made the turn onto the road that ran through the woods "Back home I never got asked out but as soon as I moved up here all the sudden it's open season."

Jacob shrugged.

"Maybe guys back home were just used to you or something."

"I think they were actually intimidated by me."

"Intimidated?"

"Yeah. By my good looks and charm." I said.

"That'd about do it." Jacob said "Oh yeah," he smacked his hand to his forehead "I almost forgot."

"Forgot what?" I asked

"Charlie said you got lost in the woods on Wednesday, right?" Jacob asked "Well, it's not much, but I bought you a compass so if you get out some maps you can get oriented."

He reached into his coat pocket and pulled out a small wooden compass. I cast a glance at it as I drove

"I shouldn't really be looking at that while I'm driving." I said.

"Right." Jacob said. "You can have it when we park."

"Which end of the beach?" I asked

"The one close to the cliffs." Jacob said "Right over there."

I turned off the dirt road on the rez and pulled up next to a big van that was there. I could see the bonfire a little distance away with the silhouettes of people having fun. I could also hear beachy music blasting from the boombox even though it was about 30 degrees outside. I put the car in park and Jacob and I got out. I locked the car and Jacob came around to give me the compass. It had a fixing on it so I could hang it from a belt or bag with a karabiner and he'd had something carved on the back. I saw that it was my name and beneath it was a wolf identical to the one on my necklace. The breath whooshed out of my lungs.

"Wow Jake." I said "I love it. Thank you."

Jacob shrugged awkwardly

"Just thought it'd help you not get lost again." He said

"Thanks bro!" I said. I put it right in my hoodie's pocket. I normally didn't carry things when I ran but if there was a way to bring the compass, I'd do it.

"I noticed that wolf necklace you always wear." Jacob said "So I just had the guy carve one on the back."

"So freaking cool." I said as we walked side by side towards the party.

I don't remember much of the first few moments except Jacob splitting to be with Quill and Embry while I tried to meet people. The kids from the rez regarded me with curiosity because I looked like them, but not. They all asked me what my tribe was. No comments on my white half, thank goodness, but it did surprise them when I told them Charlie was my father.

Someone had brought doughnuts which I was way excited about and I sat down on a log to eat mine in front of the blue bonfire. The doughnut had grey frosting and pink sprinkles which made me happy with whimsy.

"So." A sassy voice said from a little ways away from me "Too bad none of the Cullens could come out today, huh Bella?"

I didn't respond because my name isn't Bella. I looked around to see that the voice was coming from Jessica who was looking like she'd had one too many sour grapes.

"I SAID." Jessica continued "It's too bad the Cullens couldn't come!"

A big, tall guy flanked by two other big tall guys looked at her. He was shirtless despite the freezing cold and so were his two compadres but there wasn't a single goosebump on any of them and believe me, I looked very closely.

"The Cullens don't come here." He said.

He said it as though they weren't allowed. I wasn't about to complain about that but something else about him caught my attention. I wiped the doughnut glaze off my fingers onto my jeans and stood up. This guy looked older than anyone else here but that didn't signify why he had piqued my curiosity. Something about him reminded me of that night I was out running in the woods and I had met that great big, black wolf.

I walked towards the three boys who stood apart from everyone else. They acknowledged me with a flicker in their dark eyes.

"Haseya." The biggest one said, nodding. For some reason they seemed to respect me, as though I was a more powerful beast than them.

"Who are you?" I asked.

"I'm Sam." The biggest one said

I looked at him, my eyes narrowed. He was hiding something. That was obvious.

"How'd you know my name, Sam?" I asked.

"There's been a lot of talk about you." Sam said. "Some from your father, some from others."

I fingered the wolf on my necklace, the bone flashed in the firelight. Sam's eyes fell on the necklace and I saw something in his eyes flicker.

"Nice meeting you." He said. And I knew he was saying goodbye. He and his companions melted into the forest.

If I didn't know better, I'd say Sam's eyes exactly matched the wolf in the woods. Jacob caught up with me with two lemonades and two friends.

"Hey, Quill, Embry, this is Haseya."

One tall lanky guy, Embry, waved at me. The other one called Quill shook my hand and seemed to be flexing as he did so, he had a rather wolfish grin as he did so.

"It's nice to finally meet you." Quill said, looking pointedly at Jacob "He talks about you all the time."

"Not true!" Jacob protested

"It's okay." I said, smirking "I'm used to it."

"Quill." Jacob hissed "You said you'd behave."

"I am behaving!" Quill said defensively. "So you're Navajo?"

"Yeah." I said

Quill said something to Jacob that was definitely not in Navajo or English and Jacob punched him on the shoulder. If I'd had to guess it would have translated to "Dude, she's hot." But that's because I translate based on experience and in my experience, that's usually what guys talk about to their friends. Particularly when they talk about me. Ha.

"Forgive Quill," Jacob said "He got jilted by a senior girl last week."

"Yo, not cool bro!" Quill said

"He's still sensitive about it." Jacob said, smiling.

Then the boys found out that there were cookies and poof they were gone. I stood there alone by the fire, looking into its strange blue fathoms. I looked up at the sky and I could see that the moon was about three quarters full. I could see stars in patches because the clouds were moving above us. I checked my phone. It was only nine o' clock.

And then I felt a strange pull towards the dark woods. I looked around and saw that no one was paying any attention to me so I started walking down the beach towards the woods. I looked at the moonlight reflected off the ocean water and wondered why I didn't really like parties full of loud people. Why I had to spend so much time alone. Why I was avoiding my mother. I had just assumed this was all part of growing up but maybe there was more to it than that.

I fingered the wolf on my necklace, remembering with the rasp of polished bone at my touch the story behind my obtaining it.. It seemed like just yesterday I'd gotten it. A lot of "Navajo" necklaces are tourist junk but for some reason the old Navajo man who was selling the necklaces... Well, I still have nightmares about him. When he saw me I saw something glint in his eyes and he watched me like a hunter watches a fellow predator, with respect. This was off to me because in Navajo culture the young respect the old, to see respect in an elder's eyes is always unsettling to me.

I remember the pounding, fire heat of the day baking the earth beneath my feet in my little black flip flops. My hair was whipping in the hot wind and sweat soaked through the back and front of my t-shirt. I had been outside running earlier and then soon after I got home my mother had told me to go buy food. But the car was in for repairs. I had poured water on my body to cool down and then walked all the way to a market and this old man had been sitting outside it, selling his wares of turquoise jewelry for those passing through while an old woman who looked like his wife ran a fry bread stand in a shack next to the store.

I approached him warily because I would have to walk past him and he was looking at me, I thought he was marking me as a person to sell to, someone naive enough to buy into some story he told about why the necklaces he sold would bring prosperity or some such thing.

He raised his hand and greeted me in Navajo as I came near his stand, a shaft of wind blew a piece of his long silver black hair aside from his face away from his ponytail. When I replied in Navajo a smile split his broad face, and he reached deep into his simple, careworn leather bag, and pulled out the wolf necklace. He held it out to me and told me to take it. I tried to refuse it out of politeness but he rebuked me for refusing a gift from an elder. His tone made it clear that I would not be allowed to pay for the gift.

When I took it from his hands he breathed a deep sigh and muttered something about pathways before turning to stare at the desert once again. It was not even a situation where I could thank him.

Thinking back on that meeting now as I stepped into the woods seemed ominous. I had seen Sam's reaction when he saw that carving of bone around my neck and I wanted to understand it better. So I was walking into the woods in the dead of night, looking for wolves.


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4. Ghost Stories**

I didn't see any wolves but I knew I was not alone in the woods. I calmly continued to walk until I saw something curious, clothes hanging over a tree branch next to shoe prints that led away from the beach, far enough away that I knew I'd have a hard time finding my way back. Because I didn't want to run into any Quileute nudists in the woods I stopped there and walked back to the beach where I sat on a log in the darkness a little ways away from the bonfire. People had started to leave. It was about eleven by then. I sat down by the dark water on a driftwood log and watched the waves strike the shore for a few peaceful moments. I don't do well with crowds.

Jacob came striding towards me.

"What were you doing in the woods?"

"I thought I saw a wolf." I said, fingering my necklace again. Jacob sat down next to me.

"Hey, Jacob," I said, hoping he could explain Billy's strange behavior at dinner, which may then lead to a reason for Sam's similar strange reaction to the name Cullen "Why doesn't your dad like the Cullens?"

"Because of some old stories." Jacob said "Do you like ghost stories?" He asked, his eyes lit up with excitement

"I love them." I enthused.

Truthfully they gave me nightmares but if the stories had my answer I was willing to listen. My grandmother was traditional like that and from her I had learned that old stories teach answers to those who learn to listen for them.

"Do you know any of the old stories about where my people come from?" Jacob asked

"No, because you aren't Navajo." I said "Continue."

"Well there are lots of them but two of the more well known ones are the first which says that our people tied canoes to the tops of trees to survive the flood, like Noah and the ark. The other legend says we're descended from wolves and that the wolves are our brothers still. It's against tribal law to kill them."

"Is that all you wanted to tell me?" I asked, changing my body language to clearly indicate my interest, tilted head, wide eyes. My attention was sincere but when it comes to reading body language most boys just don't read it, so I was acting up a bit to encourage Jacob. It sounds more complicated than it is.

"Well actually there are some more recent legends." Jacob began in a deep story-telling voice "There are the cold ones."

"Cold ones?" I whispered

"Vampires." Jacob said, grinning. "My great great grandfather supposedly met some of them, and he made a treaty to keep their coven off our land."

"Great great grandfather?" I encouraged.

"He was a tribal elder, like my father. You see, the cold ones are the natural enemies of the wolf. Well not really wolves, the wolves that turn into men, like our ancestors. Werewolves."

"They have enemies?" I asked

"Only one." Jacob said

"And?" I asked, tempted to start drumming my fingers on the driftwood log we were sitting on.

"The cold ones are our traditional enemies. But this coven that came around during my great great-grandfather's time were different. They claimed they could subsist on the blood of animals and that they weren't dangerous. So my great great-grandfather made a truce with them that if they would stay off our lands, we wouldn't expose them to the pale-faces." He said. He winked at me.

"Very cute." I huffed. "So these vegetarian vamps weren't dangerous but you still didn't want them around?"

"Oh they were still dangerous. You never know when they'll get too hungry to resist."

"So like me and cake pops? I'm fine, I can turn down any other kind of cake pop, but if it's red velvet I can't help myself." I said, slaughtering the mood.

"Yeah. Vampires and cake pops. Haseya you are in a class all your own." Jacob said, rolling his eyes.

"Cakepops are totally relevant." I said defensively "We're talking about lusting after a food item, right? For vampires it's humans, and for me it's cakepops. See? Exactly the same thing."

Jacob shook his head. I returned to my point.

"How does this apply to the Cullens?" I asked, confused "Are they cold ones?"

"Supposedly the same ones from the story." Jacob said. "There are more of them now, a new female and a new male, but the rest are the same. They've been here a few times since my great great-grandfather's time."

I fingered my bone necklace, looking at the sea.

"Hey, you aren't scared, right?" Jacob asked, looking to my face for his answer.

"No." I said "But I think there is more truth to the story than what it appears. There is definitely something about the Cullens that I don't like, they seem almost… Wrong."

"I admit it's strange and we're kind of not supposed to spread it around." Jacob said "But it's just a story, no big deal."

"Legends are lessons." I muttered.

Jacob sighed.

"My grandmother taught me moral principles using the old stories," I said "Every story comes from somewhere."

Jacob looked over to the fire

"Looks like almost everyone has left." He observed

"Some earlier than others." I said, looking at the forest where I could almost swear I saw the glossy pelt of a black wolf as it stood in the shadows, watching me. My skin prickled and I stood up, eager to get away from those piercing eyes.


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5. A Price**

Sunday was uneventful except for the rip-roaring nightmare I had Sunday night right before we went back to school. I was somewhere that looked like the Superstition Mountains, I was on a rocky path next to a drop off of about fifteen feet. Rain pierced the sky while thunder rumbled and the ground beneath me shook. Then there was a flash of lightning and I heard a wailing echo down the canyon which was so startling that I woke up immediately.

It was indeed raining outside, when I threw back the fastidious little lace curtains at the window to see the world beyond the glass, and for a moment I thought that the dream had been fake. Then I remembered the last noise, the wailing, my grandmother had made a wail like that when my grandfather had been found dead in the mountains near where the skinwalkers had their berth. They didn't even bring the body back to us but rather had buried it where they found it, afraid that the skinwalkers had cursed my grandfather and our family. Thinking of such dark things on such a dark morning made me want to get out of the house and back into the woods but instead I suited up to go to high school.

As I was driving to school through the slick icy rain that should have been snow but wasn't, I remembered back on the reservation how the elders were always talking about the loss of our culture as Navajo. They lamented its loss.

I used to not understand what they were talking about, we were still Navajo, some of us still lived in the ways of our ancestors, albeit with modern implements like the electric toaster—surely we hadn't forgotten. But then there was one night where an elder came to tell us one of the traditional stories in Navajo and I looked around and every one of us students was dressed like a Westerner and many were on their phones or goofing off, you could hardly hear him, and I realized that we Navajo youth had disdained our heritage. We complained so often of the white man and how evil he was and how we'd been broken by the bloody hand of force, etc, but truly we broke ourselves.

We broke our own families. Drugs, alcohol, abuse, these things were our new replacements for the old ways.

My hand clenched the steering wheel hard as a tear dripped down my cheek. I remembered what it was like when the men were drunk, when their wives had to drag them away from the bar, their children's clothes in tatters because the money had gone to the firewater. I had seen some Navajo girls become drug dealers and prostitutes. And always when these problems were mentioned, on or off the rez, people said we needed more government money.

I spit upon government money. It never actually did my people much good. Whenever we took those checks or those food stamps, it was as good as stamping a badge of shame onto our foreheads and saying "Because you are Navajo, you must have this to live. There is no way you can overcome the trials you were born into as a member of this tribe so just take the white man's money and live on it, he owes it to you anyways."

And always, the begging for more government aid, for more government help. I am a very independent person and I love to work hard and I am fine with people getting help, but I'd seen much of that "help" go to drugs. I'd seen women refuse to marry so they could get the single mother checks so they wouldn't have to work so hard. Then there were the casinos and just this hopelessness around. Trailer homes. Alcohol. Delapidated buildings. Symbols of what we've become.

And through all of it the elders were concerned about our culture. I think they see culture the wrong way. We may dress differently today than our ancestors did, and speak a different language because we have to as well as Navajo, but I think our culture is more about our values as Navajo than what we wear. What we really lost was our values. When we lost our values, our families broke, and with that it becomes nearly impossible to bring them back.

I pulled into the school parking lot and parked next to a shiny silver Volvo. I looked at it and snorted. _Gee, I wonder who that belongs to_ , I thought sarcastically. Edward was sliding out from the driver's side to my right, cool as a cucumber as his classy denim brushed over the black leather interior. _If he drove that car in Arizona_ , I thought, _he'd fry into a hot tamale_. Then I abruptly looked away as I snorted with laughter. For some reason thinking of this super pale, bronze-haired boy, in the same context as a hot tamale, was hilarious.

I was in a rather cheerful mood as I went into English which was new because normally I walk into English class like Marie Antoinette at her last public appearance, les miserable. But today I thought of Edward Cullen as a giant tamale and that cheered me up a great deal. I scooted my chair close to the table and watched the rain drizzle down the windows as my teacher gulped her daily dose of energy from a coffee cup the size of a truck hubcap, pointedly ignoring her students. So things were going well. I thought idly about Jacob Black while I doodled in my notebook with a black pen. Besides writing the Navajo word for wolf, ma'iitsoh, I drew a picture of the time Jacob and I were in the woods playing catch with a baseball. I remember that particular event because it was while I was out with Jacob that day that I had my first period.

White women don't discuss their cycles, but us Navajo women, it's important to us. At the very least we aren't ashamed of it. White women work really hard to hide it for some reason. For us the first one is of the utmost importance because it's our Kinaalda ceremony which we go through with our family and with the elders and the village children, it is deeply spiritual and it is how we learn to be a mother and the mother is the center of Navajo society. People worship mother gods and respect motherhood—at least we do traditionally even if society has changed a bit- we are matriarchal so womanhood is supposed to be respected and honored and the Kinaalda is a symbol of that honor to women.

I was not anywhere near my people when I "became a woman" and I think that is why, on that day, I passed out in the woods. I had no idea what was happening to me but I had the worst pain I had ever felt in my lower navel and it was the worst pain I'd ever felt. It . I didn't scream at first because I thought it would pass but it didn't. It came and then came again and suddenly I was dizzy and my limbs lost all their strength. Jacob had to run get his father, who had to call one of the Quileute women to take care of me that afternoon and for the next two days because I was in no state to walk or take care of myself.

I scared Jacob to death and he wasn't the only one. My grandmother had warned me against going to Forks for that 13th summer because she was worried I would not be able to perform the Kinaalda ceremony which was vitally important to her. My mother had sent me against my grandmother's wishes and to this day my grandmother believes that because I was unable to complete the ceremony, I will never become a true Navajo mother, and she also believes that the pain which is so intense it makes me black out is another price for my mother's disobedience to her wishes as the matriarch in the family.

Needless to say it's very difficult for me to "be a woman" with that kind of baggage. She gets very brusque with me and oftentimes she won't even get advil for me, believing that interfering with the price is wrong, so she leaves me on the floor in agony for the first day as I sweat and cry silently. She won't even look at me. Sometimes the pain makes me throw up and then pass out. She does clean that up but other than that I'm usually expected to deal with it on my own. I've had quite a few periods while I was at my grandmother's and each experience was worse than death.

I remembered when Grace had her Kinaalda, the ceremonial running to the East, the cornmeal in the earthen stove, running with the children, her grandmother dressing her and combing her hair for the event as she taught her the most important values Navajo women must have. She spoke in Navajo so Grace missed some of it. Grace had cheated on the no salt rule by snatching some Doritos from my bag when I visited her for Kinaalda.

I remember Grace was excited about her Kinaalda but she thought her grandmother was full of nonsense and she struggled to understand why we bother with the ceremony at all. I also remember being very jealous of Grace because she actually completed the Kinaalda ceremony and I never got the chance. All because of my mother I was consigned to this terrible pain and this displacement from my people, a punishment from the great spirit, no doubt.

Even as I recalled the memory I felt a sharp pain cut through all thought. The kind of pain that made me drop my pen and cut my breath short as I recalled instantly the origin of this stabbing. Dread and fear flooded me. I couldn't leave school and get home to get to my pills if today really was the day, ditching would get me into so much trouble, I'd be grounded for life. But if it truly was my period there was no way I was doing school.

I managed to leave class to get to the bathroom, clutching at my hoodie pocket where I had hidden my supplies. Usually I brought my own pills to take but I didn't have any because you can't have those on the airplane. Charlie had neglected to take care of this concern, I remembered looking at my calendar the other day and asking him if he had given the nurse written permission to give me Advil. He said he would do it as soon as he could but on Sunday he had gone fishing with Harry Clearwater and he hadn't gotten around to it. Shoot, today was Monday. I'd be in school the whole time.

I held myself pretty well together considering I nearly blacked out every time I stood up and whenever I sat in a chair the pain ebbed and flowed, occasionally so sharply that it stopped my breath. I didn't take any notes except to write down the homework. I knew I'd be in no shape to do it but I wrote it down anyways.

By lunchtime I was beyond in trouble. I thought about calling Charlie at work and I was about to do it. Then the bell rang. I swore under my breath and used the wall on my way out to remain stable. Mike Newton had noticed something was wrong and he asked if I was sick. I told him I wasn't feeling my best. He looked concerned but there wasn't much he could do about it. I'd have to remember how nice of him it was to ask after my health next time he irritated me. So, tomorrow.

Then in Biology my teacher announced we were blood typing. He demonstrated with a micro lancet on Mike's thumb in his continuing crusade to bore me. It was actually very difficult to be bored when you were in pain. It tended to occupy the forefront of the mind. I waited a few minutes. I did feel like throwing up or passing out was a viable option at this point and I was not interested on inflicting any more pain on my poor little broken body. I raised my hand and asked to go to the nurse.

Mike offered to go with me but Mr. Banner refused him, possibly thinking that this was some sort of tryst the two of us had planned, ha. Edward was gone and I was very glad for that because psycho mind-reader boy would probably have looked in my direction and called the hospital without even asking what was wrong. He was such a weirdo.

So I went outside on my two shaky legs and I remember making it to about the parking lot when I suddenly opened my eyes and realized I was facedown on the pavement. And somebody was there.

"Haseya!" Edward's voice said, raw with concern.

"Hola, el fugitive." I said "Aren't you supposed to be in Biology or something?"

"I cut class." Edward said "What is wrong? Did you faint?"

"Something, like that. Or perhaps not. I don't really remember" I said, waving a hand around and slurring like a drunken Captain Jack Sparrow. _Or just Captain Jack Sparrow. Him being drunk is without question no matter whether he has a bottle of rum or not_. I thought as I dangled from Edwards arms.

"I'll take you to the nurse!" Edward said, reaching over to scoop me into his arms

"I will puke on you if you move me from this pavement!" I said, my voice loud and sharp

"I'll take my chances." Edward said, picking me up easily.

"Tell your jacket to say its prayers and prepare to meet its maker." I said.

I don't know how he made lifting 138 pounds of muscle look easy but he did. He didn't even give an _"oof"_ when he lifted me up to chest level.

Despite the showy display of manhood, I still thought I would rather like to hurl right on that Abercrombie and Fitch letterman's jacket. The world spun.

"So are you sick?" Edward asked

"You could say that." I said evasively, trying to ignore the pain

"You look like you're in pain." Edward said. Suddenly he seemed to realize something. "Oh." He muttered.

"Oh, what?" I asked, acting rather more feistily than I would have otherwise because it was bothering me that he was being such a girl about this.

"You didn't faint because they were blood typing in Biology today, did you?"

"Come again?"

"You're… On your cycle?" Edward asked.

"Yes." I said, trying not to burn into a cindery crisp of embarrassment as Edward looked thoroughly discomfited by this piece of news.

"So you need Tylenol." He said

"Yes." I said

"And then you need to go home and rest." He said "Why didn't you call Charlie?"

"Because he's at work and I didn't have time to do it when I thought of it." I said, squeezing my eyes shut against another stab.

"Why not go to the nurse earlier? You're in no shape to stay in school." Edward said, a gentle rebuke

"Charlie didn't fill out the papers the nurse has to have in order to give me medications. Without those the school assumes that you're abusing prescription drugs and you get suspended or worse." I groaned.

"Oh, don't worry." Edward said "I'll get you the medicine and also out of class."

"How you gonna manage that?" I asked

"When we go in, don't say anything, just leave it to me." Edward said.

It occurred to me just then that we were about to make a rather dramatic entrance. Accordingly black dots spun at the edge of my vision and I passed out again like some damsel in distress. Later I would hate myself for that.

When I regained consciousness I was on a cot in the nurse's office and a diminutive middle-aged Asian woman was telling Edward that there was always one person to pass out when they did blood-typing in biology. As my vision cleared I saw Edward fix his intense golden eyes on her as he said.

"Yes. Well then you'll understand why Haseya needs two Tylenol and also I'll be driving her home."

The woman's eyes seemed to glaze over. Reluctantly she broke eye contact with Edward and walked over to the nurse's cabinet. I heard her baby blue nurse's scrubs whisper against the skin of her arm as she reached for a bottle. She undid the lid and I heard the clack of pills hitting plastic as she knocked two of them out into a lid. She then filled a cup with water and came over to me.

"Can you sit up?" She asked, her very soft Vietnamese accent calmed me instantly, reminding me of the Vietnamese women who ran a dumpling shop down the street from my house in Phoenix. It was like when I heard a black man talk and instantly I relaxed and started to talk like I did back home because hearing a black voice was hearing home. We all talked like that in the place I lived when I wasn't on the reservation.

I sat up and ignored the fact that the pain multiplied by six when I did so. I got the pills and lay back down as she patted my shoulder and walked back to Edward. She'd left the pills open in her haste to return to the glow of his honey golden eyes. I considered getting up but the pain convinced me not to.

"I'll excuse Haseya from class today." She said kindly "Shall I excuse you as well?"

It struck me as very off that she had been so compliant to Edward's gentle demands. Usually school nurses were so used to students coming in and pretending to be sick while they ditched class that if you said "I'm sick." They sent you straight back to class without having you sign in first. This lady was a school nurse and this was a small town so it might be possible that kids didn't pull that kind of skullduggery on the faculty, but it was still off.

"No, I have Mrs. Goff. She won't mind." Edward said.

"Then when Haseya is ready to go you can leave." The nurse said, returning to perusing her steamy looking novel with the shirtless pirate on the cover, though I did see her straining to catch a glimpse of Edward out of the corner of her eye.

"Are you ready to walk?" Edward asked

"Did you realize that all my stuff is in Bio right now?" I asked, the thought having just occurred to me.

"Yes. I'll have Alice get it after school." Edward said, laying a calming hand on my shoulder "Do you want to stay here a while?"

"No." I said, swinging my legs over the edge of the bed and nearly falling over.

"One small step for woman!" I said sarcastically.

Edward held out his arm and supported me on my way out the door. We met Mike holding up an ashy faced Lee Stevens on our way out and I was sure to smile at the poor little invalid with the pricked finger. We walked over to Edward's Volvo. My hair was soaking wet and so were my clothes because in my haste to leave Biology I had neglected to zip up my biohazard suit.

"Does your car like wet?" I asked Edward as he opened the car door for me

"Yes." Edward said, but he still threw his jacket onto the seat for me to sit on to protect his precious pet.

"All right then." I said, clambering into the car. "You won't tell Charlie about this, right?"

"I'm sure he'll know from other sources by the time he gets home from work." Edward said.

As soon as I got home I lay down on my bed and stayed there, waiting for the full effects of the medicine to kick in. I tried not to cry and I accomplished it only by keeping myself very distracted thinking about horses and puppies and Disney movies. I didn't even have my cell phone. When I finally felt like I could almost walk I immediately felt the compulsion to get out of the house. This was a problem because I could hardly walk to the fridge in a straight line without the utmost concentration. I felt this need. Most of the time when I was in pain, physical or emotional, I hid and licked my wounds. But suddenly I felt this need to be taken care of. I wasn't comfortable asking for that from Charlie. I normally would have turned to my grandmother but she was miles away. And then I thought of Jacob.

Before I even realized what I was doing with the home phone in my hand Billy picked up and answered the phone. He was surprised at my call but he sounded happy enough when I asked if Jacob was around. He said he was and he asked if I wanted to come over and stay for dinner.

I said yes if that was all right I would and five minutes later I was in my car roaring towards the reservation. Jacob was so happy to see me he reminded me of that black lab puppy Levi again. Levi the puppy used to run circles and wag his tail and _smile_ when he saw me coming. Jacob had an umbrella and I had my backpack.

"Haseya!" He said and I could hear the affection in his voice.

"Jake." I said, ducking under the umbrella "Want to do some homework together today?"

When I'd seen my truck and school stuff in the front driveway somehow my hazy mind had formulated homework as the perfect excuse for hanging out with my guyfriend. Even though I could barely speak English at this point and I was struggling not to just speak Navajo.

Jacob's face fell a little.

"I actually found a pretty cool spot in the woods I wanted to show you." He said. I threw my backpack back in the truck to cover up my indecision. I was torn between wanting to make Jacob happy and between lying down right where I was and never getting up again.

"Let's go." I said.

Jacob smiled widely and he threw his arm around my shoulder, squeezing me tight. I was still a little off because of you-know-what, but I smiled back, happy to be with him. When your friends are guys you have to deal with these things on occasion.

He took me to a place by the beach I hadn't seen before with tidepools, and then we headed into the woods. There was no trail but I had my compass in my jacket pocket. It was very, very cold outside. My fingers began to grow numb. Jacob looked back at me. I tried to keep up with him but the funny thing about periods is that they take super athletic girls like me and reduce us to shambling mortals within a matter of minutes and we don't recover until it's over. Literally it felt as though there was no strength in my legs.

"Are you tired?" Jacob asked

"Nah," I said "I'm just…"

Was I going to tell him? Was I not? I still hadn't decided when my mouth kept moving.

"I started my period at school yesterday and I'm pretty wiped out."

Jacob looked concerned

"Is it still as bad as…" He trailed off.

"Yes." I said "But it's the second day so I should be fine."

"You should have told me before we came out here."

"I didn't want to announce to the public that I was on my period because it tends to make people of the male species uncomfortable. Am I right?" I asked

"Are you asking if it makes me uncomfortable?" Jacob asked

"Yes." I said. He had stopped walking. _He is wearing an adorable blue beanie_ , I thought distractedly, _it looks like a whale_. I shook my head to try and refocus on what Jacob was saying. _I really need to pay more attention to myself if I'm comparing beanies to whales_. I thought.

"I had two sisters." Jacob said "Granted, they didn't have your problems, but I accept the fact that sometimes a woman has to tell me when they have it. It's not the most comfortable or easy thing to discuss but I get that you have a problem so it's fine."

"You reacted a lot better than Edward." I said.

"Edward? You told him?"

"Walk and talk." I said, gesturing to the woods ahead of us. Jacob held branches out of the way for me and was careful to go slower now "Edward found out because I passed out and hit the pavement on the way to the nurse today."

"You passed out?" Jacob asked "How can you possibly be okay?"

"Keep moving!" I said impatiently "It happens when I don't get my advil on time, other than that I'm usually just exhausted."

"So you didn't get your medicine?"

"No." I said "Charlie forgot to fill out the forms so I could get it from the nurse. I need stronger pills than what the nurse is allowed to give out without permission so I just scraped by on the pills she gave me."

"Ouch." Jacob said "You should have just ditched."

"Yeah, like a responsible, law-abiding, young adult." I said, my voice dripping with sarcasm.

"Why not call Charlie then?"

"He is the LAST person on earth that wants to hear that I'm on my period. If I leave my bras out to dry he has a fit, and if the word period gets mentioned you can watch him shrink into a puddle of awkwardness. Plus when I actually got around to calling him, the bell rang."

"Why not lie and say you're going to the bathroom and just call him then?"

"I'm not a criminal mastermind! Particularly not when I feel like I'm about to pass out!" I said, throwing my hands up defensively

"You should just carry some pills with you." Jacob said

"I thought about it." I said "But I don't have any at the moment. I'm going texted Charlie and told him to buy some on his way home."

"Yeah." Jacob said "That would be smart."

"So how was your week?" I asked

"Well…" Jacob hesitated "Remember that guy, Sam? From the bonfire?"

"Yeah." I said

"He's been staring at Embry lately and it kind of creeps me out." Jacob said "He used to come to school and stare at Paul sometimes and then Paul went missing for a week, and now he hangs with Sam. It's kind of strange."

"Embry would never ditch you." I said reassuringly

"Paul ditched all his old friends." Jacob said, looking troubled "And Sam talks about you."

"Me?" I asked "Why would he do that?"

"He stopped by to talk to Billy and I overheard him talking about you. My dad is the leader of the tribal council but he listens to Sam. Sam was saying something about you being in danger. He wanted to ask my dad if he could convince Charlie to let you stay on the rez instead of in Forks. My dad asked why and Sam said he wasn't quite sure but he thought you were… He thought Edward Cullen was showing interest in you. That worried him."

My forehead creased as I looked at Jacob skeptically

"So he believes the Cullens are a bunch of monsters too?" I asked.

I definitely believed Edward was a vampire. Anyone with a nose like that is obviously a vampire, it just made sense. Plus I may have trawled around on the internet last week after Jacob told me those creepy stories and found a description that matched Edward exactly. But even though it was plausible at this point I still refused to believe it. There was just no way.

"I guess so." Jacob said "But my dad actually listened to him. He said he would do what he could to keep you on the rez whenever possible, so when you showed up today I thought it was because my dad said something to you."

"He didn't." I said "I just didn't want to stay in my house all alone today and I thought of you."

Jacob shrugged. We were deep in the woods now. The trees dripped with raindrops and I could taste the rain and the forest in the air. In Arizona when it rained the air smelled and tasted like dust and water. Here the air was like moss and leaves. The trees were Irish green with moss and reached to the cloudy sky like the Ents in The Lord of the Rings. I noticed that one of the trees in particular looked like Treebeard and it made me smile.

After a few moments of silence I cleared my throat. I had been thinking about saying this to Jacob for a while and now seemed as good a time as any.

"Uh." I said, showcasing my intelligence with a sagacious starting point. "Jacob?"

"Yeah?" He said, looking back at me with his dark eyes.

"I just wanted to say thank you." I said, looking down at the mossy earth beneath my boots "Since I got here I've had a really hard time, but I've been doing better and that's mostly thanks to you."

Jacob didn't answer for a moment. When I met his eyes I saw that he was thoughtful.

"You don't have to thank me." He said "It's just what friends do."

"Right." I said.

We continued in silence again until Jacob stopped and swiveled in front of a large boulder.

"Do you have that compass?" He asked

I pulled it out of my jacket pocket and flicked it open.

"Which way is west?" Jacob asked

I pointed west and shut the compass. Jacob grinned suddenly.

"So I'm not lost!" He said smugly, crossing his big russet arms over his chest.

"You seriously almost got us lost in the woods?" I asked, putting my hands on my hips.

"Nonsense." Jacob said, sounding miffed "We were taking the scenic route."  
I burst out laughing.

"Very scenic." I purred "After all, I'm with you."

Jacob snorted with laughter.

"We're almost there." He said "It's about a quarter of a mile up ahead. Do you want to stop and rest?"

I shook my head even though I felt the beginnings of pain, which meant the mythical powers of my medication were indeed wearing off. Hopefully I would be able to get wherever Jacob wanted to go and back to Charlie's without him noticing that I was in pain. Boys were unobservant, right? I could get away with almost anything! At least that's what I was hoping for.

"You know, Haseya." Jacob said "I kind of wish…"

He trailed off, looking uncomfortable

"What?" I asked

"I kind of wish you would spend more time in La Push." Jacob said "I don't like the sound of Edward Cullen and I know I don't know the guy, but based on what I've heard you say about him, I think you should stay as far away from him as possible."

My eyebrows knit in confusion.

"What do you mean, spend more time in La Push?" I asked "All I ever do over here is hang out with you."

"Yeah, but maybe my dad can get permission for you to use that tennis court or something." Jacob suggested, sounding hesitant

"That would be awesome." I said, "But you do realize that no matter what there's no way I can avoid Cullen all of the time, right? He seems to have some particular interest in me that I can't seem to shake."

Jacob looked troubled, he looked away at the blowing grass and changed the subject.

"So what kind of things did you usually do when you lived on the rez in Arizona?"

I thought about applauding him on his deft change of topic and display of the typical masculine behavior of avoiding emotional topics, but I could tell he was tense and that something big was bothering him, so I let it slide.

"Well first of all I don't like the word reservation so much. If you're being politically correct, I live in the Navajo Nation." I said "Reservation reminds me of how bad it was over there. There was a lot of drinking, drugs, and domestic violence. Aside from that how I stayed out of that I don't really know but most of the time I lived with my grandmother in a Navajo round hut that was built just before I was born. I did my school and then when I got back to her place I had to herd sheep, learn to weave and hunt, and cook and build things in the old way. She doesn't even own a phone. When I wasn't being useful around her place I would borrow a horse and ride around on the rez, particularly in the wintertime, or I would go out running." I paused to take a deep breath, realizing I was talking faster than a cicada buzz "There weren't really trails but I went all over the place. Sometimes I would ride a horse, tie it to a tree in the shade, and take off on my own into the hills. I saw hawks, coyotes, and even owls. Sometimes I would even run at night but that was more tricky. Usually at night I stuck to the few paths there were because of scorpions and rattlesnakes. Did you know that scorpions wait underneath lights to catch crickets and other bugs? I know that because I nearly got stung by one underneath a street light. I hate scorpions so much."

"Aren't they venomous?"

"Yes. But actually the big ones are less so, so it still burns like fire, but it's not fatal. The tiny, tiny ones are the ones to watch out for because those are even more dangerous, those can kill you. And bug poison won't kill them. Also if you catch one and put it in a jar it will tap on the glass with its tail."

"How can you sleep at night with those around?"

"Well… Sometimes it's hard. But before I go to sleep sometimes I use a UV flashlight to find them and thump them, they're easiest to spot then because the UV light makes them glow."

"So has one ever gotten you?"

"No." I said "The only thing that ever got me in Arizona was an agave plant, which isn't even a cactus."

"What's an agave?" Jacob asked

"It's a plant that looks like dinosaur food. The plant center is round and the leaves are hard, curved, dusky green, and in the shape of a long triangle and have spikes on them. The spikes have poison in them that will burn like fire if you get scratched and no matter what you'll have a scar."

"Where did you get scratched?" Jacob asked

"Just on my foot. I was wearing flip flops and my grandmother wanted to get the core of an agave to make rope out of it, strange but true, and I stumbled to get away from a jumping cholla cactus and cut my foot on an agave spike."

"Do cacti actually jump?"

"No. But some of them, like jumping cholla, will fling their limbs at you. Cholla are so covered in spines they look fuzzy, which is not something you want to remember when you're standing too close to one."

"True that." Jacob said "Close your eyes."

"Huh?" I asked, then I slapped my hand over my eyes "OK!"

Jacob moved over to my other side and took my hand and pulled me through what felt like a tunnel, and I came out into sunshine. I wanted to open my eyes but I didn't.

"Can I look yet?" I asked

Jacob let go of my hand.

"Yes, yes you can." He said.

I opened my eyes and there was this beautiful creek and this tall stone block, and the creek went down into a small waterfall and if you looked out you could see what was beyond the reservation. It was beautiful. I walked straight past Jacob to get a better look through this pocket in the mountain. I whistled appreciatively.

"This is beautiful." I said "How did you find it?"

"Took a hint from you." Jacob said lazily, "I was wandering around and I found it."

That was when I noticed an irregularity in the rock on the other side of the creek. I jumped lightly and carefully across the big rocks in the creek and over to the other side. Jacob moved to follow as I drew up straight, looking through another gap in the rocks. I could see to a stone peak that jutted out over the wooded hills below, and on that ledge, I saw a massive black wolf. I held back my surprise. I knew that wolf knew I was there. But why was the wolf out during the daytime? As though to answer that question I heard thunder rolling ahead as the clouds again covered the sun, I kept my eyes locked on the wolf as two other wolves languidly flitted out of the woods to join it.

"What's up?" Jacob asked. His voice caught the immediate attention of the black wolf and with a sudden flicker of motion, the wolves were gone.

"I think I saw a wolf." I said lightly.

"You look exhausted." Jacob said. He reached over and put his hand to my forehead "Haseya, I think you've got a fever."

I tried to ignore the sudden burning in my blood when he touched me. His hand slid down the side of my cheek and rested on my neck for an instant before he withdrew it. My stoicism returned once his big, distracting hand went back into his pocket, sufficiently mortified.

"I think you're right." I said "Either that or I'm just tired. We should go back now."

"I agree." Jacob said. He looked at me "Carry you across the creek?" He asked

"What if you trip and we both die?" I asked, trying to deflect his attention.

"I won't." Jacob said. "Here, have some more water, then I'll carry you across. You look like you might faint."

Truthfully the pain was back in full force and Jacob was right, I was in no fit state to walk back. I took the water from him and drank some. I handed it back, my pulse starting to rush faster. It was starting to sprinkle above us and soon it would rain again.

"Are you sure you want to try this?" I asked "What if I'm too heavy for you?"

Jacob snorted as he tucked the waterbottle away. "You're like a doll, how could you possibly be too heavy?"

"Fine." I said.

I walked right up to him, uncomfortably close, and as he scooped my legs up from under me I put my arms around his shoulders. This was to try and help him distribute the weight. In track we used to run up bleachers with people on our backs and from that I had learned that evenly distributing the weight across the shoulders was far better than choking someone around the neck. He got across the creek just fine and set me down carefully on the other side.

"Thanks, bro." I said, adjusting my shirt back over my jeans. When he'd picked me up it had pulled my shirt up underneath my jacket and made an awkward wrinkle.

We walked back to his house and he insisted on driving me home. When we got to the house, Charlie's cruiser was parked out front. Jacob came to the door with me and Charlie seemed more than happy to see him.

"Jacob!" He said "Come on in!"

"Hey Charlie." Jacob said, standing in the doorway.

"Did you bring Haseya home?" Charlie asked

"Yes sir." Jacob said "I think she might be coming down with something, she may need to see a doctor."

I stuck my tongue out at him from behind Charlie's back where I was ditching my boots and jacket. When Charlie glanced over to look at me I saw Jacob smirking at me, triumph twinkling in his dark eyes. I mouthed the words "IMMINENT DEATH" at him but he obviously couldn't lip-read because he kept right on smiling.


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6. Get a Grip**

I can tell I have a good laugh because Mike Newton had a little post-it note with a drawing of a crab on it and the crab was saying "Get a grip". This post-it note was stuck to the back of Mike's baseball cap, which was flipped around so the front end became the backend—you know, for neck protection—and Mike hadn't noticed a thing. I put in on him before school started and it was now lunchtime. #ninja

I had the giggles all morning. But when I was standing in the lunch line I lost it and laughed so hard I snorted.

"Haseya." Jessica said without even turning around, recognizing me by my fabulous laugh "What is like, so funny?"

"Nothing." I lied, blowing a kiss at the post it note on Mike's hat.

From across the cafeteria I could see Edward Cullen sitting alone. And to the unobservant eye, it appeared I had blown a kiss at him instead of the post-it note.

"Ohhh…" I moaned. "Suddenly I am not hungry."

Edward caught my eye and beckoned me with one finger. I put a hand on my hip, clipping poor Eric out of the way to the lunch line and sending him staggering into a table full of girls.

"Thank me later." I said as I passed Eric, stalking over to give Edward a piece of my mind.

I stood in front of his table, fully prepared to make a scene. His eyes glinted with amusement as my towering rage broke over him.

"I am not a dog. If you want me to come or go anywhere you will either indicate so by waving and beckoning me over or you will call my name to solicit my attention towards yourself. Are we clear?" I said, leaning over with both my hands on the lunch table.

It occurred to me at that point that if I had been wearing a v-neck that would have been a really bad move and that thought broke my concentration. Edward's honey-colored eyes seemed to swirl. So I really didn't know which actually broke my concentration which was really confusing.

"You're right." He said in his eerily silky voice "I apologize. Will you please join me for lunch today?"

"Why not?" I said huffily, sitting at the table across from him "Since you asked so nicely."

"Good morning to you too, grouchy bear." Edward said, his crooked smile lighting up the room in my direction.

Stoically ignoring the onset of warm fuzzies that tried to blur my focus I crossed my arms over my chest.

"Morning." I said.

"Haseya." He said.

I felt a completely involuntary thrill go through me when he said my name and I wanted to kick myself for it. No way was I falling for this paper-white guy. Not even a snowball's chance in Arizona—

"I've been curious about something and if this question isn't too personal I'd like your honest answer." He said.

His mannerisms were perfectly on-key, like a professional pianist striking the keys but in such a soft way that if you weren't in tune you wouldn't catch the mechanized feel of it. He was a master manipulator and I saw that instantly about him, no matter how many other people around him had their blinders on, I understood who he was. That didn't stop my heart from beating like a hummingbird's wings, though.

"The word personal sends up a big red flag." I stated, as always trying to assert control over the conversation so I wouldn't be put in a vulnerable situation.

I tended to avoid personal questions. My business was none of anybody else's business.

"Why do you avoid intimacy?" Edward asked

"Excuse me?" I asked, thinking he had said 'intimates' and was for some unfathomable reason talking about women's underwear.

"You are funny, confident, smart, hard-working, and you really care about other people. You put their needs before your own." He tilted his head "But when someone reaches out and tries to care for you, you either throw up a barrier through a casual joke or run away."

I was going to say "I didn't come here to be psychologically analyzed" but that would have proved his point.

"When I care about people too much it gives them the power to hurt me, and I've been hurt before. I don't want it to happen again so I'm careful and there's nothing wrong with that." I said slowly as though I was talking to a petulant child. (Maybe I was).

Edward's eyes now looked like butterscotch and suddenly I wouldn't have minded being closer to him across that table. I shook my head like a dog shaking water out of its fur and refocused to make up time for my lapse.

"You're also very independent." Edward said "Why? Is it because of the divorce?"

Memories flashed to mind of life back on the reservation. Well, not even on the rez. I was remembering life before the rez, when I met my mother's parents, who were also a divorced couple so I met only my grandmother on that side. She had remarried an older man who was thin like a book, had gold bifocals and always wore plaid shirts.

Suffice it to say this older man was very controlling, very manipulative, and very dangerous to be around. If you shook his hand, he'd also hug you. If you hugged him, he'd kiss your cheek. If you gave him an inch he'd cross the next boundary. And he always said he loved me but that was not true.

I have deep scars from every time I had the misfortune to see him. I was just a little kid. But he was the reason for a lot of things that happened to me. I didn't even know how to love a person. I couldn't stand being alone with older men. I couldn't trust younger men. So when my friends were getting their first kisses I was trying not to hate the entire male race.

As I thought about that situation I felt something inside me go hard and impenetrable. There was no way I was telling this Edward freak about that. No one was going to find out. My purpose in living beyond those times was to prove to the world that I was not going to let him control me anymore. The last incident was when I finally refused to let him touch me. He was horrible. I'll never forget it. And I'll never go anywhere near him again.

But it taught me a hard lesson that I think everyone should learn. No one should ever manipulate or coerce you into any affectionate gesture. No one who cares about you will ever ask you to do something you aren't comfortable with. And no one who cares about you will ever punish you for not allowing them to do something to you that you aren't comfortable with.

As I sat there, thinking and remembering I could feel my blood rushing faster and faster through my veins. I was having a deeply emotional response. Edward had triggered me and if I wasn't careful I was going to get out of control very soon.

"I can't rely on other people." I said, trying to keep the emotions out of my voice "If I do they will abandon me."

I hadn't meant to say that. But it hung in the air between us nonetheless.

"So you're saying that even in times when you really need to be taken care of, you don't ask for help because you're afraid that the person you ask for help will walk out on you?" Edward asked.

"Yes." I said "Irrational as it is, that's how I am. Now if you'll excuse me, the bell just rang."

I left the lunchroom without a backward glance.

It was unfortunate that I had a class with him after that.

I wasn't sure if I wanted to scream at him or ignore him. I was pretty sure I wanted to scream at him but Mr. Banner was going over the homework and I had to pay attention because I'd missed some questions. At least originally I thought I would be disciplined enough to pay attention but as soon as Mr. Banner handed out a worksheet of notes for us to copy I found myself instantly turning to Edward.

"Why the heck is my personal life so important to you?" I asked

"Because I like you." Edward said instantly.

I could feel the focus in the room flip on like a switch as soon as he said it. I could not believe what was happening. _This super hot psychopath likes me? Ha. This must be another one of his hilarious jokes, like his interest in my deeply personal secrets_. I thought.

But he didn't look like he was kidding. Uh oh.

"What is that supposed to mean?" I asked

"It means I want to go out with you and spend time with you." Edward clarified.

"Why me? You can have literally any woman you want." I said, gesturing to the girl behind me with braces and a bad perm.

"You're not like the others." Edward said.

I realized I had pointed behind me at the morose future cat lady and dropped my arm quickly.

 _Is he legit saying this in front of a whole classroom full of people? Oh silly me, of course he is. Talk about peer pressure_. I could almost feel Mike's jealousy burning a hole in the back of Edward's neck.

"So." I said, pausing to think fast "I don't know how I feel about you yet so I can't commit to any kind of relationship. But I feel like it'd be okay to try out a couple of dates."

What was I even saying? My friends said I was a relationship expert only because I'd never been in one, and here I was with a bronze haired psychopath discussing the relationship possibilities between us.

Edward's reply of a wide, genuine smile, made me want to change my name and move to Finland, he'd never find me there and neither would anybody else _. OH wait, too cold_ , I thought _. I'll settle for Samoa. Dang hot Samoan men_.

He turned back to his worksheet looking like the happiest man alive. I turned to the front of the room, mouth fully open, trying to figure out exactly what the heck had just happened.

Mr. Banner stared at us, looking up from his book, which I was chagrined to see was called Say Yes, My Love.

I could have spontaneously combusted at that point. People say it's not possible, but I was *this* close, I swear.


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter 7. A Kiss**

"Say what?" Jacob asked, dropping his hammer onto his foot "Ouch!"

"I'm going on a date with Edward this weekend. We're doubling with Jess and Mike."

"I thought you hated him!" Jacob came out from under the car, wiping his fingers with a rag to get all the black grease off

I pulled a face and raised my hands in a gesture of desperation

"I did! But then everything got all fuzzy and he said he liked me and people were watching and I freaked out and before I knew it he was smiling and I realized I'd just promised to go out with him!"

Jacob pulled a face.

"I don't like him." He said.

"Yeah, well, that's cause you're my bro." I said "It's natural for you to be hostile towards handsome boys who befuzzle me into going to Homecoming with them."

"You hate dances!"

"I know!" I wailed "I don't even have a dress!"

"You're a girl and you don't have a dress?" Jacob said "Oh wait, it's you. I'm actually not surprised."

"Hey!" I protested "I've worn a dress before."

"Yeah, like when your mom dressed you. After that you never wore anything but pants." Jacob said, rolling his eyes "I thought girls were supposed to like dresses and looking pretty."

I stood up and walked towards him, backing him up so his back was to the car. He dropped his hammer again.

I leaned in close

"I. Always. Look. Pretty." I said.

And for some crazy reason I suddenly wanted to kiss him. I tried to shove the impulse away but it was powerful. Almost as powerful as a person's need for oxygen. My pulse was racing and I felt adrenaline pumping through my body like an electric current.

I looked away from him and bent down to pick up the hammer.

Jacob was silent for a moment. I was pretty sure he'd felt the same thing just then but he hadn't acted on it either. For a second I wondered what was holding us back. Maybe it was just the fact that I couldn't believe that Jacob found me attractive that way, and I was shocked that I was feeling that way towards him.

I think mostly I was afraid. I'd never kissed a guy before. I'd probably be really bad at it for one thing, and for the other I was afraid of losing Jacob. I'd heard of lots of best friends who dated and when they broke up it tore them both apart. I couldn't think of anything more painful than losing Jacob. And I also couldn't think where this relationship could go. In a year or so I was going to college and what if I met someone else? What if I never dated anyone else because I was so busy with Jacob?

But the other half of me desperately wanted him. Why was I waiting? Holding back?

I guess the core reason for all of this hesitation is that I believe in true love and I believe it should only happen once for a person. I also believe that a guy shouldn't have to think of the girl like an object in order for him to have feelings for her. I believed that relationships were about more than the physicality.

For me relationship ideals look a bit like this. The first item on the list is communication. My mom and Charlie were in love but they didn't communicate their feelings well and that didn't work out so hot for them. The second would be trust. I didn't want some guy to treat me like an object. If I kissed him or held his hand I wanted it to be completely my choice. I didn't want to do it out of pity, guilt, or because of coercion. I really, really have to trust the people who I allow to touch me because I believe things like hugs should be valued.

Hugs, nice words, things people take for granted, are the things I value and I want a guy to value those same things. And the third would be selflessness. My grandmother told me that marriages are about commitment more than love and that they take selfless, hard work. Considering the fact that she and my grandfather were married for about 60 years and were absolutely happy together no matter what they went through, I take her advice on marriage and relationships very seriously.

Jacob and I were just babies. There was no way at the age of seventeen that we were mature enough to do a serious relationship.

And that above all else was what was holding me back. Other girls could be stupid and hand out their kisses like pretzels but I was worth more than that and part of being in a relationship is being true to yourself.

"Haseya?" Jacob asked

"What?" I asked

"What are you thinking about?"

"My grandmother." I said

He tilted his head, confused.

"I was remembering some relationship advice she gave me a while ago." I said, looking down shyly "Respect, communication, trust, commitment."

"She doesn't sound very romantic."

"She isn't." I said "But nonetheless I think she's got a point."

Jacob went back under the car and busied himself. When he thought he could sound nonchalant he asked

"So, Haseya?"

"What?"

"How come you don't have a boyfriend?"

"Men are intimidated by my charm and good looks." I said haughtily

"Right." Jacob snorted

"Actually." I said "I was thinking about it and I think it's mainly two things. The first is that I am very good-looking, and also very independent. Teenage boys tend to go for girls who seem like they need a provider. And I don't give off that vibe. The second one is that I have some pretty solid standards on relationships. I don't just get in them and throw them away like a lot of girls do."

"Standards?" Jacob scooted out from under the car to see my face.

"I want the guy to treat me like I'm more than a sex object." I said bluntly "I want the relationship to be more like a friendship and I want to be able to completely trust him. I will not go out with guys who just want eyecandy, or guys who will pick me up and throw me away. I'm worth more than that."

Jacob raised his eyebrows.

"You've thought about this a lot." He commented

"Well yeah." I said "I get to hear all my friends dating stories and stuff, so it makes me think about why the heck guys are allergic to me."

"What about your posse?"

"Don't use the word posse. Call them my fan club."

"Yeah, like that guy Mike. They like you plenty. Why not date them instead of Edward?"

"Cause I get the feeling they only want to go out with me because of how I look, kind of like a status thing."

"You can't know that." Jacob said, setting down his wrench and wiping his fingers off again

"Either way I don't really know those guys that well. Maybe if I hung out with them more in a non-dating situation it'd be okay, but as of now I don't really trust them enough to be alone with them for any period of time."

"Makes sense." Jacob admitted "You make relationships sound complicated."

"They are." I said.

"I'm kind of afraid of dating now." Jacob said, grinning

"Dude, you should have been born afraid of dating. Women are just so hard to understand and that's what you get to work with."

"What, aren't men complicated?" Jacob asked

"Yeah." I said "But there are some really good things about men that make relationships with them easier than relationships with women."

"Huh." Jacob said. He looked at his watch. "It's about 6pm, aren't you supposed to go back home about now?"

"Are you trying to get rid of me?" I asked

"NO." Jacob said loudly.

"Fine, I know when I'm not wanted." I said, jumping out of the car.

Jacob walked me to the car but as I stood outside the car fumbling with the keys he spoke.

"Haseya?" He said hesitantly

"What?" I asked, looking at him

Jacob was struggling to speak. Finally before I could even react he leaned in and kissed me on the cheek. My heart literally stopped beating.

"I hope you have a good time at the dance this Saturday." Jacob said. Then he walked away back into his house.

I was severely tempted to call Edward at that point and cancel. I got into my car but before I turned the key in the ignition I touched the spot where Jacob had kissed me.

"I hope I can get home without killing anyone." I said, gunning the engine.

I did get home just fine but Charlie noticed my clumsiness.

"You're clumsy today." He noted as he stuffed his moustache full of Spanish rice.

"Really?" I asked, refocusing.

Even an hour later my heart was still pounding and I still felt like Jacob's lips were there, pressed lightly to my cheek. Every time I tried to shake it off it came back.

I was starting to get irritated with Jacob. If this was going to stop me from doing my homework and graduating from high school I was going to take his car and drive it into the ocean. Check that. I was going to pick him up by the seat of his pants and-

"Did something happen today?"

"I have a date to the dance on Saturday." I said

"Who with?" Charlie asked

"Edward Cullen."

Charlie nodded.

"He's a good kid. Are you going with a group?"

"A double date with Mike and Jessica. It's just the dance and then I'm coming straight home."

"Sounds good." Charlie said.

The phone rang and he got up to answer it. I watched his posture change. Worry creased his face and a somber look came over his normally stoic countenance.


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter 8. Impulse**

"Oh no." Charlie said, looking at me.

 _Grandmother_. I thought instantly.

"I'll tell her right away." He said. "Take care of yourself."

He hung up the phone and he turned to me.

"Your grandmother is in the hospital and the prognosis doesn't look good."

I felt like I was having an out of body experience. I nodded, trying to hold it together even though I suddenly wanted to tear something apart. My hand, balled into a fist, had begun to shake.

"What's wrong with her?" I asked, trying to sound nonchalant. My voice broke.

"Internal bleeding in her stomach. They don't know where it's coming from but she's in critical condition in the hospital. Apparently she went to the medicine man and he called the ER because she passed out. They were worried it was a stroke but it wasn't." Charlie looked at me "I'm so sorry."

I felt a huge lump in my throat.

"I'll just go up to my room now. Please don't bother me."

As soon as I was up there, alone in my room, the hot tears started to flow and flow. I knelt by my bed and clutched the side, my arms and body shaking as I cried silently. _Please, Great Spirit_ , I prayed silently, _do not take my grandmother from me!_

I felt nothing except a heavy, dark sadness fall over me like a cloud. We Navajo people do not speak of death for fear that speaking the word will be a harbinger of the very event. My grandmother had probably known she was in critical danger and said nothing, kept her face towards the Great Spirit and the old gods for aid and ignoring modern medicine. I was willing to bet she hadn't even told my mother yet. If she had my mother would not have mentioned it, it was taboo, forbidden by disapproval and superstition.

I put both my hands on the dresser in my room and clung to it for dear life. Tears were pouring out of my eyes down the sides of my nose and then rolling over my cheeks as I shook and tried not to choke on my pain. Charlie was downstairs so I kept one hand clamped over my mouth for fear that I would scream.

The grief was physically painful. Like my soul had been torn in half. Like I had been walking along on a sunny day and a tsunami had swept me out to a black roiling sea. I shook my head, incapable of thought beyond the pain. I was disgusted with myself for being so chummy with Jacob just a few hours ago. I had been happy. How pathetic. I should have been suffering, I should have known my grandmother was in pain. I'd never been so far away from her at a time like this before. What if she died and I had no one left except for my broken family? No reservation to run back to. My last tie to my people severed and my friends lost. I may never see them again as the same person I had been before my grandmother…

I stopped the thought. I couldn't think like that. I fell to the floor and curled up into a tight ball trying to just stay in place where I was. And then I saw my backpack. Like someone possessed I found myself walking towards it, dumping out the school stuff, and reaching for a tomahawk.

As soon as Charlie was in bed I was outside, running. I don't know where I ran to or how far I went, but with the moonlight I could see just fine. I had turned off both my laptop and my phone so I couldn't be reached because I didn't want to see anyone or talk to anyone.

I ran until I saw the sun start to rise on the horizon. I realized blandly that I was supposed to be in school right now. But what did school matter when it felt like my world had just ended? The one person in my life who was stable and there for me, who I loved more than anything in the world, was ill in the hospital and there was nothing I could do to help.

It was raining as the sun came up. I dropped the hood of my jacket as I stood on a mountain peak and let the rain drip through my hair and down my back, make round ornaments on my tear-soaked lashes, sprinkle the palms of my hands and the crown of my head. I prayed again to the Great Spirit, to the ancestors, anyone who could hear me.

As the sun finally burned away enough clouds so I was in the sunshine I was finally aware of my cold and shaking limbs. I looked around to see what was close. Maybe there was an abandoned campsite whose fire I could borrow. I had my compass so if I could find the trail I could easily work my way back. I had brought a duffel bag with a water bottle and jerky as well as a knife, a flashlight, matches, and Jacob's compass. I even had my tomahawk which JJ had mailed to me and a red Navajo wool poncho that my grandmother had made for me.

Impulsive, but not stupid.

I felt beyond feeling so I was surprised at how the cold penetrated my limbs now that I had stopped running. I looked around for a landmark to see where I was but could see nothing through the green woods. So I went higher up the peak and finally I was able to make out the reservation.

I thought about going over there but I didn't want to see anyone. So instead I made a marker to mark the peak. I pulled out my knife and chopped off a thick twig. I carved the Navajo phrase "to see clearly" along with the letter NE for northeast as that was the random direction I had chosen to go next and set the twig up sticking out of the mud.

Then I had a swig of water, ate some jerky, and started to walk further away.

I was headed northeast but I only checked my direction because I knew it would be bad to get lost.

About halfway through the morning it started to drizzle but I didn't much care. I was tired so I curled up beneath a tree with my back to a log and fell asleep. I had my tomahawk in hand just in case I ran into a bear or something.

When I woke a few hours later and started to walk again I began to wonder why I was doing this. It was stupid. It was impulsive. And it could get me very lost. Why was I causing so much trouble for Charlie? He didn't deserve to have to go running into the woods looking for his daughter.

And what about Jacob? The Blacks would probably be the first people my dad would call. Jacob would be beside himself with worry. Plus there was also the fact that the first person Billy would call would be Sam Uley. The wolfman. He would be able to find me out here easily. I knew that intuitively but there wasn't much I could do about it at the moment… Except pray to the ancestors to hide my trail. But even as I thought of it I knew that was not the right path to take. Sometimes when I was about to utter a prayer, in my heart I knew that my desires were not one with the heavens, and it stopped my mouth in that very moment .

My legs began to complain and in reply I sped up and began to jog. A comfortable loping jog that ate up ground very quickly. Occasionally I caught my ankle in a root curling over the moss laden ground, cuts and scrapes started to accumulate. But I didn't stop to tend them. They weren't serious. Not compared to what my heart was feeling.

I didn't really care where I was going. I just wanted to be outside with the forest and the sky. I couldn't think beyond that, towards my grandmother, or I would curl up in a ball on the forest floor and wail.

That night from another peak where I had chosen to build a small bough shelter (kind of a lean-to) I saw lights in the forest. I could almost hear the echo of worried voices calling to me. I pulled my poncho closer around me and lay down in the shelter trying to stay warm.

I would have been just fine the third day, but it started to snow in thick gusts. I tucked my fingers into the pockets of the hoodie under my rainjacket under my poncho but the cold bit every exposed portion of me. My nose, my cheeks, my ears.

And as I was not stupid I knew it was either time to run home or build a shelter. This was a snowstorm. A low hanging branch cut across the palm of my hand as I jumped over a thick tree root. I nearly tripped because of the snowflakes accumulating over the forest was dangerous. I considered my options. I looked up at the sky, snowflakes clinging to my eyelashes. And when I looked back down I saw the shadowy shape of a white wolf against the snow. I looked quietly. It was definitely a wolf. It was a normal size, unlike the hulking black one I had met my first day in Forks.

I remembered my grandmother's stories about spirit animals and I watched the wolf. I knelt and asked the wolf loudly above the howling wind if it would guide me. The wolf flicked its tail and then began to walk away. I followed the wolf at a distance, hand gripping my tomahawk just in case the wolf turned and attacked. Spirit animals could bring blessings or destruction as they wished, and it was difficult to know whether this wolf was a guide or a warrior.

I had enough wood for a bonfire and as the snowfall was stopping I was confident I could keep the blaze going as long as I needed it. I rubbed my hands together and prayed to the Great Spirit to keep my fire going.

What happened instead, was that the moon came out behind the snow laden clouds, I saw a wolf, in the clouds. A wolf with silvery fur, but with my brown eyes.

I felt strange, as though I was having an out of body experience. At one moment I was very much in possession of my faculties, the next I had dropped to all fours, shaking. I thought it was from grief and then I felt the change. Nothing inside me had changed. I still felt the grief and the wildness from that pain but my appearance had changed. The lean-to was knocked aside as I rolled my massive shoulders, curling my claws into the rock beneath me. I was a wolf. I had always been a wolf. But I understood now that something had been wrong about my upbringing. I should have been raised solely among my people and one day my grandfather would have told me the stories were true, and we would have waited patiently for the change.

But instead when all was torn from me, the change had been triggered by the breaking of my heart. I threw my head back and howled at the moon, snowflakes stung my nose as they drifted to the snow beneath. I looked around and thought for a moment I could see my ancestors. One of my great grandmothers. She nodded to me, and vanished into the snow ridden air. But in the instant before she disappeared, as clearly as though she had spoken to me, I knew the time had come for death to claim my grandmother. I howled, tears ran down the fur on my cheeks, freezing into my golden, dust-colored fur.

I woke up laying in the snow next to burning coals, human again, and wearing my clothes. Briefly I was thankfulI ate the last of my jerky, and then I almost calmly shouldered my backpack and began my journey back to the house, trying desperately to control the shaking of my hands and also the shaking of my torso. It was like my very core was throwing a fit, defying the shock I was feeling even though my tears had frozen to my cheeks as a reminder of what I was going through..

I felt a great strength fill my limbs as I ran through the snow. Every step was jarring as my cold extremities complained. I reached inside me for the last of my strength, for what made me such a strong person, and found that it would take me seven miles even on an empty belly, shaking from grief, tears clouding my vision.

I ran seven miles before my last burst of strength failed me. I collapsed to the snowy earth in a ball. When I woke at nightfall, shaking from the cold I heard voices calling out my name.

"Haseya!" Someone yelled.

"HERE!" I yelled. But they kept yelling as though they hadn't heard me. I struggled to rise but my limbs shook and collapsed.

Then he was there, Sam Uley. He seemed to melt out of the snow, now he was plainly obvious, his russet skin standing out against the blinding white that was all around usw.

"Haseya." He said. "Jacob!" He yelled "I found her!"

I didn't know he and Jacob were on speaking terms. And then panic struck me. Jacob. I didn't want to see him. Not when I was like this. I was a total wreck. Jacob came crashing through the snow toward us as Sam Uley knelt by me. He grabbed my hand.

"She's cold as ice." He told Jacob.

I pulled my hand out of his grasp.

"I'm fine." I said. I pushed up from the snow and stood on my feet.

"Your house is closest." Sam told Jacob "I'll call off the rest of the men while you get her there."

"Ok." Jacob said. He watched Sam go, and then he turned on me.

"What were you thinking?" He asked, I'd never seen him so angry.

I didn't respond and I didn't look into his eyes. I looked at the snow and I felt hot tears in my eyes. I felt numb. I shouldered past him and started walking forward, not much caring if it was the way to his house or not.

Jacob's hand caught my forearm. I broke his grip and kept going.

"Look, I'm sorry." He said "Can you just say something? Are you okay?"

 _I'll never be okay again_ , I thought viciously as I ignored him and kept going. I nearly tripped over a tree root beneath the snow but I caught myself.

Jacob grabbed my arm again and this time I couldn't shake him off. I strained away from him, not wanting to look into his eyes and see the anger there. All I could think about was my grandmother on a hospital bed miles away, probably asking for her granddaughter. A tear dripped down my face down the side of my nose where it clung to my lip, I was about to raise my hand to wipe it away when . My anger faded and my shoulders slumped from fatigue and I realized I was too weak to do that for myself. I reached my arms out for Jacob and he hugged embraced me tightly, my face pressed to his left shoulder where the tears clung to the waterproof fabric. I didn't want him to let go. I didn't want to move. But then he said.

"Haseya, we need to get you warmed up and you'll need to see a doctor. You were out in the woods for days."

I still didn't say anything.

"Haseya what am I supposed to do?" Jacob asked, beginning to panic "Why won't you speak? What's wrong?"

Still nothing. The lump in my throat was so large I was incapable of speech. Jacob watched as more tears silently flowed down my cheeks. I couldn't read his facial expression but he was obviously frozen.

Sam Uley came back

"Jacob, we need to get her back to the house as soon as possible. Charlie is bringing over clothes and things so she can stay there tonight. He'll stay too and you can either stay there or come stay at Embry's."

"She's not talking. Or moving." Jacob said.

Sam Uley saw my face. He walked over to me and looked me right in the eyes.

"Haseya." He said calmly "We're going to take care of you. You must be incredibly tough to stay out in these woods for four days with hardly any food or supplies. And brave. But even though your grandmother is sick and you're very upset, you need to let us take care of you. We can't do that if you won't come with us back to the house. I know your grandmother is in the hospital, but you can't help her by refusing our help, you have to be strong.."

I just looked at him. What did Sam Uley know about my pain? What did anyone know about it? And here he was, telling me what to do. How dare he tell me to be strong. I had nothing left. I was empty. There WAS no strength left. I was the shell of the formerly strong Haseya, what was left after everything else was gone. That was who he was telling to pick back up and 'Just keep swimming'. I wanted to snarl at him, to bite, to tell him to leave the wounded animal alone. But nothing happened.

"Jacob, you'll have to carry her back." Sam said. "She's not going to make it by herself, she's shaking."

I wondered for a moment how he knew that but in the next second I had fallen onto the snow. _Lactic acid buildup?_ I wondered quietly, always the comedian.

Jacob's hands which were bare despite the snow pulled off my backpack, pulled me up to a standing position and handed the backpack, the poncho, and my other two wet and frozen jackets to Sam, how Jacob could see well enough to get his fingers on the zippers of my jacket I had no idea but before I knew it they were stripped away and. I was in a t-shirt now and even colder than before. Jacob pulled off his jacket which was warm and dry, smelling of essence of Jacob (Old Spice Fiji scent, which was strange that I noticed it that distinctly despite all the shock I was in) and put it around me. Then he picked me up and started to walk towards the house. Sam walked ahead with my possessions. I saw him open the backpack and when he found the tomahawk and the matches inside I saw him look impressed.

Jacob's grip on me was tight, like he was trying to stop the shaking inside of me. I turned my face into Jacob's shoulder. I didn't want to see Charlie or anyone else. I'd be fine with staying right where I was except that I was still a bit shaky from the cold. The hunger wasn't even gnawing at my stomach because it didn't matter to me at this point to eat. I felt sick at the very thought of food.

"I'm going to stay up all night tonight to make sure you're okay." Jacob murmured.

I wanted to tell him not to bother but I was pretty sure he would bite my head off if I tried to tell him what to do at this point.

Before I knew it I was in the house and Jacob had set me down on the couch. Then the doctor piped up

"She'll need to change her clothes and I also suggest a hot shower, then pile on the blankets."

"Are you sure she'll be able to shower without assistance?" Charlie asked

"I can help." A grandmotherly looking Quileute woman said immediately.

The men started to file out back to their homes now that they had accomplished the task of finding the invalid. Now it was left to the women to tend to their own.

She came over to the couch and I struggled to stand up. Charlie handed her the clothes and I grabbed her arm for support. As soon as we were in the small bathroom together she spoke to me. As soon as the doctor had said I needed a hot shower Jacob had run into the bathroom and turned on the water so it could heat up, then gone to get fresh towels.

"I'll turn around so you can undress." She said "And then when you are done I can help you put on the outer garments."

I nodded and she turned around. Peeling my clothes off was hard. My fingers seemed swollen with cold, red like blood. Finally I got them off and I stepped into the shower.

Immediately I felt the startling change from freezing cold to heat and my body started to wake up from its apathetic lethargy. As soon as I felt warmth start to soothe the shaking and the knots in my muscles I turned the water off, used a towel hanging by the shower to dry off, and then the woman handed me clothes to put on. She kept her gaze away respectfully.

I was surprised at the clothes. Charlie had gotten one of my Hawaiian pattern sports bras, my long-sleeved Puma shirt with the wide neck that let the straps hang out, and my comfortable sweatpants. He'd also gotten a pair of my panda socks. I pulled on the warm clothes and the woman said

"Here." She had me sit down on the floor and she knelt and braided my hair in a fishtail braid down my back, tying it off with a colorful cloth band.

"Thank you." I whispered. She nodded and opened the bathroom door so I could walk out first. Considering my exhaustion I was walking pretty well but I still stayed close and held onto her for support.

As soon as I lay on the couch the doctor came over.

"How are you feeling?" the doctor asked

Jacob was watching me intensely so I felt nervous but I was pretty sure that wasn't what the doctor was referring to when he asked how I was.

"Tired." I said, simplifying my current emotional state of AAAGGGHH I THINK I SHALL EXPLODE I DON'T KNOW HOW I'M EVEN ALIVE to a short blurb. _Moo._

The doctor checked my pulse and my breathing.

"It all sounds good." He said "But if you start coughing or your throat is sore go to an urgent care and check because it could be pneumonia."

He cleared his throat

"How many days were you out in this weather?" He asked casually

"I don't know." I said "Maybe four?"

"Did you have a fire for any of the three nights?"

"No, not at night. I had one during the snowstorm." I said "But when it burned low I decided to come back."

Best to leave out the part about turning into the big bad emotional wolf and seeing a spirit animal...

"Ah." The doctor said "Well it's good you made it back safely. Now I want you to get some rest while I talk to your father."

I watched as best I could. The doctor tried to keep his voice down but I heard him, regardless.

"She's been through a lot of trauma. It's probably best to just let her rest now but she'll probably be hungry soon enough. Have her eat something light and small. She probably didn't eat much when she was out in the woods. Call me if her condition changes at all, like if she runs a temperature, and she'll need to rest for at least a week before she does any running or exercise at all."

"Is she going to be all right?" Charlie asked

"I think so." The doctor said "She's remarkably resilient. Just the same, keep an eye on her."

Jacob breathed a visible sigh of relief. Billy wheeled his chair and talked to the grandmother woman in Quileute.

I looked over at Jacob.

"I'm sorry." I said, trying not to cry.

"It's okay." Jacob said "Just go to sleep."

I nodded but I reached a hand out from under the blankets and gestured that I wanted his hand.

"Thank you." I said, gripping it tightly. Then I let his hand go and closed my eyes.


	9. Chapter 9

Jacob…

Haseya woke from a horrible nightmare. She didn't even remember it was. Just sensations. It was awful. Horrible. What. What had happened. Those sensations.

She didn't speak she instantly leaped from the couch and on stiff, weak limbs hobbled to Jacob's side, shaking.

What.

The nightmare.

She had had a nightmare.

No.

No.

It couldn't be real.

She had the feeling she had had this nightmare before. A blow had just fallen. Haseya was now stuck. No.

Jacob.

She had to be somewhere safe.

Jacob was laying on the floor on a quilt, spread out. Haseya shook his shoulder. When this didn't wake him she felt a tear slip down her cheek. Her grandmother. Her mother. Her family. The broken feeling inside. The nightmare that had just hit. She needed something to be real, she needed a break from the numbness.

She felt the crying out in her soul of the wolf's howl but no sound came from her lips. She curled up in a small ball at Jacob's side and shuddering, fell back asleep.

She woke up terrified at the touch of hands at her sides. She was instantly awake and savagely struck out at Charlie. She didn't scream. Didn't yell. But she hit him in the ribs, knocking the wind out of him then her leg snapped out and kicked him hard into the wall. He crashed to the floor.

She put her hands to her mouth horrified. She had hit her father.

She was wailing now, screaming. Charlie was backing away cursing.

What could she do. Where could she go.

Haseya ran upstairs and darted into her closet, locking the door.

Charlie was still grumbling and then she heard Jacob. Jacob was asking what happened what was wrong. Haseya curled up into a ball in the closet.

She felt like he was still… Like… No… Not again.

Rape is something that's hell to live with just once.

Why wouldn't it stop? It was happening again. She was terrified her pulse was racing she felt it. Everything. The darkness. The touch. The touch. The touch. She shuddered and felt like she would vomit into the closet.

She heard sirens and then the house was quiet.

Then there were footsteps on the stairs. Haseya clutched her arms around her knees, curled up, shaking, in the corner of the closet. It wouldn't stop. She was stuck in the past. It was happening all over again. But what… How? Was it real memory or trauma? What was happening to her?

Her eyes were blank, filled with horror. She felt it as though it was now. It was so real.

"Haseya?" Jacob called out

Haseya ignored him. But then realized he would freak out. Maybe if she pretended everything was okay. Also she was wearing a sports bra and yoga shorts- her usual pajamas. But those were not the kind of thing you come running out in to talk to your guyfriend. No. Better to hide.

"Haseya where did you go?"

I don't know but I want out. Haseya reached out a shaking hand to open the closet door but couldn't.

Jacob walked into her room. He tried to open the closet.

"Haseya are you in there?"

Haseya didn't make a sound but he knew.

"Why did you lock the door?"

Haseya wanted to hide. She'd had this nightmare before. So many time before. Never this bad but… It was like something inside had torn out. Some horrible memory she never wanted had come back and was darkening her dreams, breaking her inside, shattering. Shards. Pain. Pain. Fear. Fear was the overpowering sensation. Fear and sickness and horror. At the secret she had that she had even kept from herself. And Jacob was here! Jacob was here and if he found her she would tell him the truth. He could leave her. He would leave her. Noone could love her if they knew about this dark secret she carried.

She cried softly into the darkness and then she reached up, unlocked the closet door.

She stood up on shaking legs and opened the door, she flung herself at Jacob. Like somehow doing that would… protect her from what was inside.

She had knocked into him too hard, he fell backwards and she fell on him.

"Haseya?" Jacob asked, surprisingly unfreaked- considering his best friend had just tackled him to the floor. His arms were around her like he was trying to protect her from the fall.

Haseya buried her face in his chest sobbing.

"I didn't tell you everything that happened when I lived on the rez."

She cried so hard her whole body shook with the violence of her grief, her terror, her agony. Jacob tried to sit up but had little success until Haseya got off him, curling into a ball and crying her eyes out. He watched her carefully, his eyes filled with sad concern. He scooted towards her and slid his arms under her, picking her up off the floor and onto his lap. He helped arrange her legs around his waist and he held her up against him with one hand and used the other hand to rub her back soothingly.

"My gosh Haseya you've gotten bony."

Haseya sobbed harder.

"Hey no beautiful girl. Shh it's okay. I'm right here. Take some deep breaths."

"Jacob I lied to everyone." Haseya said "I'm… I can't." another wail that was almost a scream tore from her chest.

Jacob hugged her tighter. Feeling her bones. Her heartbeat. Her pulsing racing heartbeat. Something had scared her.

If it was something that scared Haseya… She was the toughest, bravest girl he knew. If it scared her… It must be bad beyond anything he knew how to handle.

"Haseya." Jacob said, resting his chin on her collarbone and continuing to massage her back as he spoke "I'm here for you. You aren't alone."

Haseya started to weep silently, pushing deeper into Jacob.

"I was scared." She wept. "I lied."

"Why?" Jacob asked, trying to keep her calm.

"I lied!" Haseya's voice was edging on hysteria " I lied. It wasn't just that boy on the rez who assaulted me."

"Haseya… What's wrong?"

"Jacob… My stepgrandfather… He…" She tore away from him and her eyes told him the story.

"My God." Jacob exclaimed "Oh my god Haseya. When? What? Are you okay? No. No you're not. Oh my gosh."

The look of shock on his face broke Haseya inside. She froze. Was he going to shove her away? Be another abandonment? Another lost cause? Someone else who gave up? Who couldn't handle her as she was?

What happened next shocked Haseya. Jacob's arms pulled her close and he pushed his face into her neck. She felt his tears on her skin. He moved, now his cheek was pressed against hers. She could taste the salt of his tears as they flowed over the curve of her lips. He stroked her hair with his hand and held her close.

"Oh my god Haseya why didn't you tell me?"


End file.
